BEAUTIFUL LIARS

we have the moon
in our eyes
and sand on our tongues
the everchanging wind
blowing against our

backs.

we are the children
of our own past
drawing concentric circles
around each other

maybe someday
we will merge in
FLIGHT
but now we must
stop forcing

oil and water.


BOOKS

i still see you
in the relfection of the stars
drawn beautifully in
ancient legends
across the skies

maybe then we were
the lovers we could
have been

maybe then we could
give up the world to
live amongst
the heavens

cyclical lovers
always ties to the
everchanging reality
of the distance between
here and gone

my face buried deep
in your soul
your hands
drawing spirals across my mind

writing love songs
left unfinished
while i ponder the moon

then you looked at me

then you said the best books
write themselves.

LADY IN RED

she shall wear
the finest gold
diamonds that sparkle
incandescent in the dark

she shall walk
down shady paths
paved with tears
drowned in light

she shall kiss
the luminescent stars
pulling her into
their undertow

she shall live
in the finest palace
a place forsaken
and closed to the world

chained still
to her own fears
pearlescent in their
ivory towers

lightening in her mouth
she parts her lips
her crys echo a truth
torn ashunder
across the land

lady in red
laid in bed
unable to choose
between the light and the dark




WEDDED TO CALAMITY

for all tomarrow's loves
i give into the dreams
that flow from our hearts
and form puddles of mercury
eating away at our soles

for all of today's loves
i live in love with you
for the seconds you are here
you are my world
but i exist outside

for all of yesterday's loves
i remember days spent
worming into your being
sleeping warm beneath your breath
slowly learning how to leave

when today ends and yesterday
is nothing but a vague dream
what is left but what's to come?

which love is the love
that lasts from dreams
to waking, to memories?

laying close within myself
my cards laid out before me
rings and rings
and promises of things

and what do i do now?
which love shall love
and love in mirrors
projected backwards
forwards and striaght ahead?




STILL WEDGED BENEATH

of all the nights i've dreamt
of you; for all the times i've
sat and stared at the moon
knowing too, that you thought
of me?

of all the moments, fleeting and
perfect; holding me and holding
you; these hands woven onto
yours?

on the floor now
i think it's appropriate to cry now
the answer must be somehow

somehow mingled with the stars
still wedged into your eyes
driving the nail deeper into
your own coffin

breathing out my sins
i don't know how to begin
you watching me holding him

i'm going to try
and by letting you go
am i letting go by
the best days of my life?



TAR BABY

you are my best friend
my most perfect lover

how can perfect translate
into reality when what was
so perfect was so because
it was unreal?

don't you see the best thing
about us was that we
were both lovers of dreams
and both came in between
the clouds?

the earth will pull us down
the dreamers that we are
jumping to the seas of love
is not where us of the air

belong.

mainlining my perfect drug

there can be nothing but death
no matter how you cut it

it's already been drawn up
just sink the needle
deeper in

PAST SEPTEMBER

It's been twenty days past September
A year ago, perhaps two
Holding me holding you
And I remember
A summer day
A better way
You could have these too
A sideways glance, a backward dance
Twirling you through my dreams
Lifting higher
Wetted desire

It's been twenty days past September
Why pay so much to play the fool?
Above me and under you
I am the conscience clear
On sunny days
Beneath a summer haze
A cold fall breeze, and tender freeze
Blowing in from yesterday
Slowing fading
And still I'm waiting


STAINS

Looking up at me
Your mouth is open wide
The graveyard parks
And empty gates

Breathing in a colder truth
Wedded close to a tender mute
Chords picked out and aligned
A perfectly timed and gentle sigh

It's been cold here too
In this empty room
Thinking now of nothing
But you

In the hills and valleys
And hidden in between
These narrow passageways
And my discarded dreams

You linger on
On my breath
On my skin
Digging up from
Deep within


CORPUS CHRISTI

I lay one night
In an empty concrete
Jungle. I stared at the
Moon. She waited patiently

Shining down gently,
Reflecting off the sea
Taking in words and worlds
She spoke in metaphors of me

I was waiting for you
And I am still there
Laying adrift
Under a sea of moonlight

Bathing the railroad
Pearlescent; you are here
I hear your footsteps
A voice across the void

Neon glow on an empty street
The wastes of humanity
Blowing like lost
Souls; across my path

Ghosts of a past, remembered
Ghosts of a reality lest forgotten
Under it all
I apologize for the way I feel

Brighter now, and burning clear
There is no place left to run
Dreams such as these
Burn away so quickly with the
Morning sun



CHAMPANGE

Lies in the desert
A red stain on a white door
Carved spirals in the dirt
Left as marks of two

The shit sweet smell of alcohol
Mixed sourly with
The reality of parting
Taste too strong for a sugary farewell

I still taste this on my tongue

But once, there was a time we laid
Knowing tomorrow would come
Feeling warmth from a summer sun
Watching it rise languidly along the ground

I promised I'd never leave
I promised I'd come home
I promised to never change

Well, we promise a lot of things


SOMA

In the darkness, I find you
Wandering and wearisome
A creature of my past
Beside me in time

Sleep is my savior
For dreams prove clearer
Than reality
I find myself caught in an endless
Waking slumber

I am in love with you
In only the most nocturnal way
A product of slumber
Materialized upon my pillow

In dreams
You whisper in my ear
And now I turn away
I am not at all where
I should be
I cannot let this go

Guilty though I am
I am a creature of the day
Hiding in caves
Pretending that the echo
Isn't the soul of my own voice
Exciting itself in hollow places

In my better moments
I feel I can live by your
Moonlight laws
Stifled though I am
By the lack of warmth

I will take my place beside you
This moment now
For when I awaken
You will find
I am wedded to the sun

Cyclical lover
I will return to you
When the days grow short
And I feel you
Moving gently
In the moonlight

TO KILL A GHOST

I return to the only place
Falling back into lazy ways
I belong here
Locked into my own past

Living in actions
Spent and saved; becoming the mist
And the maze
The muse of yesterday
Can I please go home?

I'd like to leave
But there are echoes in my thoughts
Ashes and debris, cluttering my
Life and burrowing deep

I'm blinded by the light
Standing on the beach
Straining still for her loving womb
Her salty waves out of reach

The brightest stars
Burning down my world
Clinging to the remains
Of a past that won't die

If I could float out into
Her salty tide
Holding my breathe
And holding tight

All will wash away
All will be alright

How can I go home?

I'd like to forget
A perfect pair
Of deep and endless
Eyes

And yet they say

Love is an art-form
Slightly removed from its element
As if ourselves
Could be hung on cluttered walls

A love to be painted
Yet, I cannot create
The ghost of what you were
Keeps getting in my way

Haunted as I am
Whenever the sun falls low
Casting shadows that look
As if they were painted
By your hand

i think it's a very important thing for people to travel.


to understand that the world is nothing but their playground. to understand that their microcasms are not soley contained within their homes, their streets, their blocks, their cities.


travelling helps one disengage from the petty bullshit surrounding them in their own lives; it elevates you to a place where you can view things objectively, knowing that although shit here may be fucked, 2000 miles away NO ONE CARES.


the thing i value most about my own life is that i have had the wonderful oppurtunity (which i seized) to travel EVERYWHERE. and by that statement, i mean EVERYWHERE. every state, pretty much every city from NYC, to LA to CHI-TOWN, to every bum fuck town in between. i have an intellectual community of friends that transcend the unneccessary ties of "growing up together on the same street" or "living next door".


when you start basing your friendships upon location rather than substance, it's a signal in your life that you need to GET THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN.


people in your life should help you better your own being, by inspiring you, helping you in times of need, loving you when you feel alone. they should be your equal, your better, not someone who serves no other purpose than to keep your couch warm when you're drinking--or to keep you from feeling like an alcoholic when you would otherwise drink alone.


the vastness of the world awaits those willing to be brave enough to explore it. brave enough to trust others to the extent of offering friendship to those not close in physical proximity, or similar in family experience, background, or culture.


my most favorite feeling is laying in bed and remembering how amazing it felt to be as free as i was when i was travelling. i had NO RENT to pay, NO bills (except my cell phone), no SHIT (really, all i owned was contained in my car), and all i did was wake up in stranger's houses, hotel rooms, hostels, couches, buses.....in this state, i truly felt more spirit than human. what makes us human, the physical trappings of a spiritual state, generally manifest themselves as traditional human folly; sloth, gree... too many THINGS, too much food, petty fights, stupid lies....all of this falls away when you boil your exsistance down to a few bags of clothes and a tank full of gas. when you have no home, you cannot buy stupid shit to clutter it. when you are in a constant, suspended state of travelling--moving forward and maintaining a constant mindset--you realize that all the stupid catty drama between people is, well catty. it somehow doesn't seem as important that andy called you a bitch when you are driving along the new york thru-way, from NYC to buffalo.


if you are as free as i was then, your spirit, your inner self, is allowed to more purely express itself. you are in an active state of absorbing new environments, meeting new people, seeing new things, being awed by the vastness of our country, that you, as an individual are less influenced and less outwardly determined by any other factors, such as your company, your work, your THINGS.


the friendships that you do form in this travelling state also prove to the most binding, true, and deep friendships that one will ever form. when you meet peole heart to heart, soul to soul instead of badge to badge or purse to purse, you will find that those you meet will be the most genuine and the most interesting and stimulating. people that will influence who you are, and who you will become by no other actions, save being themselves.


pieces and flashes of pure spirit, all mish mashed together to form the most beautiful collage of humanity.


as much as i hate the general public at large, the decisions they make, their trends, ideas, and actions--through travelling i discovered that as much as the "rest of the world" sometimes seems an overwhelming majority, each and EVERY one of those individuals has their own story, their own uniqueness, their own spirit, and many of them are more interesting than any public celebrity.


i remember an incidnet that illustrates this point brillantly. i was in escondido, ca with a few friends of mine, two i knew well, who i had originally met in chicago, and one who i didn't know at all, but who knew my friends. we were just fucking off, and needed a place to crash. so one of my friends called her brother, who called one of his friends that he knew in san diego, who then called his cousin who lived in escondido, who said we could crash with him. we got an address, and followed the appropriate streets, and eventually pulled up in front of a sterotypical west coast home in a decent neighborhood, surrounded by almost exactly the same looking abodes.


now, if you want to adhere to the "middle class suburban standard" the person living inside would be a nice couple with 2.5 kids, a dog, and a SUV. HOWEVER, the person who answered the door was this badass accupunctureist who was from india and had immgrated here with his family about 9 years ago. throughout the night he cooked us amazing food, showed us pictures of india, talked about accupuncture and various other medical tecniques of asian origin, and amazed us with his knowledge of the local bird species.


the next day, we left, stomachs full, and absolutely schooled in so many different areas.


within 24 hours, i had met, gotten to know, and become part of an absolute stranger's world, without feeling scared, upset, or weirded out. i learned SO MUCH MORE in those 24 hours about human life, the world, social interaction, accupuncuture, indian cusine and culture, and the native bird species of the west coast than i EVER WOULD HAVE, even if i had taken a college course for each of those separate topics.


i can name to you at least 50 more instances of similar situations during my travels, but i won't. my point has been made.


in essance, as humans, and for our own development and furtherment as an individual, TRAVELLING is essential. you CANNOT be a wise, experienced, or worldly person without travelling. many say i act decades older than i am, and have the perspective of an old woman, instead of a young twenty something. in response, i acknowledge that my entire collective of wisdom belongs soley to my oppuntinity and commitment to TRAVEL. TRAVEL--not to vacation, not to get drunk, not with people i knew and not for a small peroid of time. NO, my travel was OPEN, was uncointained, and it was for the sole purpose of FINDING OUT WHAT IS OUT THERE.


that is why i went, and that is what i did. i travelled for KNOWLEDGE.


i travelled just for the EXPERIENCE. i travelled because i was CURIOUS.


i travelled because i was young, and i had nothing better to do with my time.


the world is yours for the taking. leave, go claim what is yours, all of those experiences that somehow seem to randomly materialize alongside I-10 at 2 o'clock in the morning.


sit in a roadside diner and talk to the waitress. find out where the party is and go have a good time.


nothing is stopping you beyond your own limitations of what you think you should be doing.


claim yourself.


suz

PLEDGE OF RESISTANCE:

We believe that as people living
in the United States it is our
responsibility to resist the injustices
done by our government,
in our names

Not in our name
will you wage endless war
there can be no more deaths
no more transfusions
of blood for oil

the gist of things in class today was the difference between the lower class and the working class and some theorist's idea that the values between the two classes are what the root of the "poverty issue" involves. basically, my teacher was teaching to us that the reason some people remain in poverty isn't lack of resources or government aide, it's that they just don't value hard work, human capital, or delayed gratification.

i think that's true, to a degree, but this teacher was going off about how these indigent people needed to learn the VALUE of hard work, industry, being on time, and delayed gratification; and thus learning these lessons would make them part of the working class and hence, better people.

THAT thought is what i take issue with. who is anyone to say better people have such traits? to me a GOOD person is defined by their ability to give back what they've taken from this world, their ability to help others, their honesty, their insight and wisdom, and their kindness and ability to not pass judgement on others. GOOD PEOPLE ARE NOT DEFINED BY THEIR WORK ETHICS OR THEIR CHOICES IN MONETARY SITUATIONS. i simply cannot STAND to have someone tell me that one person is better than the other simply because they value being a wage slave over being free.

i think hard work is a honest, good trait; however, WORK HARD AT THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY because you love to do them, NOT because it makes you money. MONEY SHOULD NOT BE WHY YOU WORK HARD. i believe SO STRONGLY in doing what YOU WANT, WHEN YOU WANT, BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. if you want to make money, then do it, but be happy doing it and don't torture yourself with some stupid dream of "well, it will all pay out in the end." GUESS WHAT. it won't. you're toiling away at some job you hate, and at the end of the day, there is always more work to be done because you aren't CREATING anything, you're just a cog in the wheel of the machine that eventually creates something, but your job isn't to see it to completion, just to do the same repetative task over and over. THAT IS NOT FULFILLMENT, and there is no ultimate redemption to be found on that assembly line. you are just going to slave away, waiting for something to happen, something to change, that industrial rapture, and then you die, and even in death, you find nothing.

so why don't you start believing in GRATIFICATION NOW. DO WHAT YOU DREAM OF DOING. START A FUCKING REVOLUTION. BE SOMEONE YOU ADMIRE. BE THAT IDEA THAT YOU ALWAYS HARBORED SOME FANTASY FOR.

people blame poverty on the individuals, saying they don't know how to save or how to delay their own gratification. THIS IS A TRAIT WE ALL NEED TO LEARN AND TO VALUE. everything in moderation, i say, but we all need to get away from these insane purtanical values that stress WORK NOW, PLAY LATER.

THERE IS NO LATER.

we slave away our entire fucking lives in hopes of what....? a nice fucking house with a white picket fence? a nice car? these are material items that money can buy, but are they happiness? we all think we'll be happier if we make more money. MORE MORE MORE. that's BULLSHIT, and the sooner you figure that out the better. the only thing that is valueable, the only thing money can provide you is FREEDOM. money buys you the FREEDOM to do what you please, when you please, and wherever you please to do it. material possessions are crap, and the only thing they do is tie you even more to this work hard, buy shit, be a part of the consumeristic society.

BUCK THE SYSTEM. BREAK THE RULES. LIVE ON THE EDGE.

be a gypsy. follow your heart and learn that life can offer you so much more than a leather fucking couch. learn that NOW will only be here for a few fleeting moments, and you must use it to your full advantage. don't delay anything you want to do simply because you feel you'll be too "impulsive" too "selfish" if you do exactly as you want.

DO AS THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW.

LOVE IS THE LAW, LOVE UNDER WILL.

as long as you don't hurt others with your actions, you're fine.

i swear upon everything i love and hold dear, i will NEVER be a wage slave. i will only work FOR MYSELF and WHEN I FEEL LIKE WORKING. my motivation for work will be because i WANT TO WORK, or i want that freedom that money will buy me. i will NEVER WORK FOR A CORPORATE ENTITY. I WILL NEVER BE A COG IN A MACHINE THAT PRODUCES AND PRODUCES BUT NEVER SEES THE END PRODUCT.

I WILL ALWAYS WORK IN A JOB THAT ALLOWS ME TO BE FREE.

I WILL NEVER BE A PART OF THIS FUCKING GAME THAT IS AMERICA.

if i must, i will struggle, and perhaps, die poor. i don't care. my freedom and my happiness is MUCH more important than some fucking dogma of "work hard and be pure or work some and be a lazy slob". i don't feel i need to work all the time. i feel play is JUST AS IMPORTANT AS WORK, and i will play as hard and as often as i see fit, even if it effects my income. i will never have set hours and i will never work for anyone other than ME.

i will live each day to the fucking fullest, as i always do, and if that makes me someone who is hooked on instant gratification and someone that lacks "a good work ethic", then so be it.

FUCK THE WAGE SLAVE.

FUCK THE DOGMA OF DELAYED GRATIFICATION.

LIVE IN THE NOW

LIVE FOR YOU

LIVE FOR THE LITTLE TIME WE ALL HAVE HERE


LIVE YOUR DREAMS



suz

(i hate how i can't put what i'm listening to, for i believe that music plays a very defining role in creating the mood of a piece. THEREFORE: i am listening to the faint, from omaha. specifically their album entitled "danse macrabe"". go buy it. on vinyl.)

ok, so i'm on facebook as well as myspace. i hardly EVER check my facebook, as that college crowd bullshit isn't my scene, and i don't really have any good friends on that site. most of my limited "friends" on my facebook are people that went to high school with me and who are curious to know that a) i'm still alive and b) what i'm up to.



so whenever i check that godforsaken site, i always have a million friend requests from these highschool people. and, thus, of course, i check out their facebooks and read about them, and look at their pics, ect, cuz i'm curious too as to what all of those people have done with their lives, and how their lives compare in relation to mine.



mostly, i've felt LET DOWN by my peers. NONE of them, save a few, have done ANYTHING with their lives beyond graduate from college and get a serious bf/gf and perhaps pop out a kid. very few of them have travelled, less have involved themselves with any meaningful life activities, and NONE of them are noteworthy young adults.



and here's the weirdest deal: 99% of them are typical midamerican, conservative hardcore christian people. now, i am not going to be THAT PERSON that hates you because you are religious, because that is the equivlent of being racsict and sexist and, in general, i try not to hate, and especially not to hate for no reason. HOWEVER, the thing that bothers me here is that these kids aren't trying to change the status quo. they are not progessing forward in their lives, with their thoughts, or with mankind's search of the ultimate truth. they are BECOMING CLONES OF THEIR PARENTS. they are accepting the fate of "growing up" and getting a job, going to church, hating everything their religion preaches is wrong, getting married, popping out a kid, and then growing old and dying.



it's bothering me a lot that NONE of these kids, who some of which are SUPER INTELLIGENT and SUPER BRILLIANT, can see the cliche that they are becoming. none of them are fighting to change the world or to look outside the pastures in which they were raised. they are CONTENT to just do what they are told, and to buy into the system, take without question a religion that their family TOLD them to believe, and to play the ultimate game of suburban LIFE.



i thought my generation was cooler and smarter and shrewder and more driven than that. i thought we were questioners, truth seekers, and breakers of the status quo. all that i see, from reading my peers profiles, is an escapist, sheepish mentality.



NO BALLS. NO COURAGE. intelligence that isn't used to be innovative or groud breaking, but rather, to perpetuate the lies in which we were all born into.



our reality is peppered with untruths, or half truths, or blantant lies. the brightest minds of my generation should be tearing down the black curtains of our fathers pasts and uncovering the mysteries of today. they shouldn't be stuck in cubicles, writing stupid computer programs, or working at meryill linch selling insurance, or whatever meryill linch does.



you all dissappoint me. have we gone so far, and progessed so little? what is the point of brilliance if all we do is throw it into projects and businesses that only appreciate it in the way that it helps their "customer realtions".



THIS IS BULLSHIT. i want all of you to stand up and QUESTION why in the fuck you are doing what you are doing? why are you following the belief system of your parents, when, all throughout your childhood, your parents were the most miserable creatures you knew? why do you think that in an age of technology and abstract spirituality, that you MUST conform to tradtiontional and oppressive organized religions? are you THAT COMPLACENT that you're willing to sarcafice your entire life in a pursuit of.....what? mediocracy? a legacy involving an IRA, retirement, social security, and perhaps, maybe, and employee of the month plaque? is social conformity THAT important to you that you'd risk living your entire life as an automon simply to.....? i don't understand WHY.



but maybe i'm the stupid one. i always get in trouble for THINKING. for asking too many questions. for never being content to settle for some information until i prove it to myself to be true. i'm the one never content in things because i always feel there is more to be learned and different views of things to be uncovered.



i guess there are drawbacks either way you go. all that i'm saying is that having ideals and having goals and breaking the status quo and redefining it in ways more condusive to an intelligent, educated, and open society is worth, to me, risking common society's rejection of myself.



in essance, HAVE A CAUSE. that's more important than having a job. more important than having an education.



more important than success. because beliving in something, whether it be to stop animal abuse, to challenge the government, or to promote mental health awareness, will CHALLENGE YOU to be a better person, to continually learn and provide a conduit for your creative engeries and forces.



keep them all honed. a revolution is in our future. gas prices are spirialling upward while our economy is in a downhill slide. revolt is in the air. our people aren't going to be able to continue their way of life in the US if things keep going the way they are. things are going to change, and to change DRASITCALLY.



do you want to be on the forfront of this tidal wave, or be one of the one's it washes away?

it's time to start building a new world for ourselves. the old one is failing. being young, we need to join together and to build this new world.

but with so many stuck in the old one, how are we to do that?

anyways, my thoughts RIGHT NOW.



suz