Ink

Dear John,

Damn you. I wept like a freaking colicky baby watching your movie, “Dear John,” an adaptation of the book by Nicholas Sparks.

“Nicholas Sparks” is literary speak for “sob fest,” and like other movies based on his books — including “The Notebook” and “A Walk to Remember” — this one tugged at my tear ducts.

Your sensitive-soldier character was played by one sexy G.I. Joe, Channing Tatum, and for this performance, we forgave him for appearing in “She’s the Man.”

Also, good on the producers for including so many topless beach scenes.

You met Savannah, a do-good, doe-eyed college student (Amanda Seyfried), while you were on leave for two weeks in the spring of 2001. In true Sparksian fashion, a whirlwind romance ensued.

Then you returned to your station in Germany, and the two of you exchanged letters. It seemed like everything was going to be OK because you were young and good-looking.

After Sept. 11, 2001, your tour of duty was extended, and things started to suck. And then you got shot, and things sucked even more. (Not a shocker: This happened in the first two minutes of the movie.)

I was in physical pain choking back sobs in the theater. I even attracted a few glares from fellow moviegoers.

In my defense, I was emotionally blindsided. Based on the trailer, I had assumed this film would be a predictable romantic drama about a soldier who fell in love and died in the war. It totally wasn’t.

Thanks for the cry,
Monica

 ‘Dear John’
2.5 stars out of 5
PG-13, 1 hr., 45 min.
Starring: Channing Tatum, Amanda Seyfried
Plot: A soldier and college student exchange love letters.