Ink

Dear Kiss & Tell: Why do men and women look at getting married/engaged differently?

Pamela says: Men or women, most people get married because they are in love and want to build a life together. And not all women even want to get married, but the ones who do sometimes look at getting married differently than men because of biology, society and plenty of other reasons. That’s not just me talking, I asked some readers, too.

One reader told me: “Most women have dreamed of their weddings since they were little girls. Guys, not so much. I think the older women get, the more they want a family, and some of the guys I know are just like, if it happens, it happens.”

That’s partly because biologically, guys have longer to get their lives together. Men can make babies a lot longer than women can. So while a guy might be thinking “What’s the rush?” A woman has to contend with the very real biological clock. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, a woman’s chances of having a baby decrease rapidly every year after she hits 30. And some women — not all — want to be married, sometimes for a couple of years, before they have kids.

Some women look at getting married as a natural milestone in life that everyone goes through like graduation or getting a job, a reader told me. A woman might think, “Sure, I’m able to take care of myself. But I’m also in love with a great person and I’m ready to make the next step and make a legal commitment.” It’s about stability and the start lifelong partnership, not the end of youth and fun.

Not to say that getting married always brings stability to a relationship. If you think having rings is going to make your significant other automatically stop hanging out with his buddies every night, you might be sadly mistaken, another reader said.

Tradition and society are other big things women have to contend with. In Missouri, the average woman’s age for first marriage is about 25. In Kansas, it’s 24. So when you hit your mid-to-late 20s or 30s and you’re in a serious relationship, people will start asking you, “So when are you guys going to get married?” whether you’ve shown signs that marriage is a goal of yours or not. Men in relationships get this question, too, but since it’s assumed that women want to get married, they might get the question more often.

What does a woman say? “I don’t know. When are you gonna lose that weight?”

Since it’s often the man who proposes, women sometimes don’t always know the answer to the “when” question.

We might not mean to get caught up in these things, but it happens. When a bunch of my friends started getting engaged about two years ago, I got wedding fever temporarily and I don’t think that happens to men. Somehow I just don’t think 27-year-old men wake up and start thinking about what cut their wedding tux is going to have or what they want their centerpieces to look like or whether they plan to change the name they’ve had their whole life.

And sure, there are a few women out there who care more about the wedding than the man. But I think most women are smart enough to know that marriage is about more than getting a fancy dress and an expensive cake. They know that getting married is one of the most important things you will ever do, so they want to do it up right because they’re only doing it once. They want happily ever after with the guy they’ve chosen and they want a great wedding to start things off with a bang. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Damon says: I’m not fond of speaking for every man who inhabits this planet.

Doing so, to me, is like being the only Asian-American in a room full of non-Asians who turn to you as the expert on Chinese sweatshops. Except that you’re Vietnamese and have never set foot in China.

But nevermind that. I’ll humor you.

Men are supposedly practical, right? We tend to do things that we believe make sense. We don’t care for flights of fancy. Things like extravagant weddings that could be down payments on homes. Ponder that for a second. When it comes to engagements and getting married, men and women often have different objectives.*

High up on every man’s list is to avoid divorce. It tends to cost us. No man wants to make a mistake when it comes to getting married -- be the mistake "too soon" or "wrong girl."

So, if a man isn’t certain that you’re the person he’s supposed to be with or the timing’s not right, he won’t blow a chunk of his annual salary on a ring that will inevitably plunge him into debt for a one-day affair that legally binds him to you, a woman he’s unsure about, until divorce do you two part. Nor should he. That’s not practical.

If he’s sure of you (and that you’ll say yes), he’ll find his way to one knee. But he must know that you’d profess your love for him before a judge with the court’s clerk as your lone witness -- and not blink.

See, he’s often not too worried about the wedding day because he’s concerned with all that comes after it. In the end, that is what matters. Not that one day. Because, to most men, putting all of your concern and effort into that one day just isn’t practical.

Check out Damon's blog on the question guys get from their ladies "Why aren't we married yet?"

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