Ink

Dear Kiss & Tell: When, if ever, is it OK to become friends with your ex?

Damon says: If you’re wise and there aren’t any love children crawling around from your time together, the answer is a resounding never. I know they say never say that word, but I don’t know who “they” are.

These friendships almost never end well (unless you get back together). They can’t. There are too many complications that will provide for an unnecessary and messy conclusion.

The first is the new significant other not approving of your ex’s existence. Sure, a boyfriend or girlfriend not approving of platonic friends is outdated and shows a glaring insecurity. But someone who is leery of you keeping an ex as a close friend has a valid concern because of the history there.

There’s nothing positive that friendship can do for your relationship, but there’s plenty of negative potential, which should make the friendship expendable.

But better yet, how do you plan to start a new relationship if you’re still playing good friends with your exes? You tend to miss every float in a parade if you refuse to get off one you’ve long had parked in storage.

I know you say it’s your ex. But if that relationship had any substance, you don’t let go of how you felt easily, especially if you’re playing friends with said ex.

The best way to remove yourself from those feelings is to remove yourself from the person. This includes defriending your ex from social networks you’re friending them on, too. You don’t need to be in their business.

Why not?

If you’re still playing friends or communicating with your ex, you’re setting yourself up for the inevitable: seeing that person get engaged to and/or marry someone else. I have yet to see one person I know who was playing friends with an ex watch as that ex got engaged or married without seriously questioning where they’re at in life.

From what I’ve seen, that’s nothing I ever hope to experience.

Pamela says: Wow. I thought Damon was going to say something like “Get over yourself and grow up. Of course you can be friends.”

And I was going to say “I’m about to be 30, and I can’t do it.”

It comforts me to know he’s in agreement.

The only ex I am really friends with is my friend Charlie. We dated when we were 15. He came out in college.

We know we’re not ever getting back together and neither one of us gets jealous when the other is dating someone new. That’s why our friendship works.

Most post-breakup friendships don’t work because one of the people still has feelings, whether they admit it or not. By being “just friends” you’re keeping the other person on the line for an ego boost, a drunken hookup or a possible reunion.

I’m not saying ignore your ex. It’s cool to be nice and have a conversation when you see each other in public. I’m going to break with Damon and say you can even be Facebook friends once some time has passed after the breakup, as long as you’re not constantly checking their status and your significant other is cool with it. (Although … I have thrown a fit over my own boyfriend being Facebook friends with an ex, and I also have questioned my future after seeing an ex’s wedding pictures online, so maybe you shouldn’t listen to me on that one. …)

But exes cannot be real friends, friends who hang out or talk on the phone regularly, for all the reasons we’ve mentioned here and more.

It hurts losing someone you’ve told secrets to, someone who knows you inside and out. But that’s why it’s called a breakup. Cut ties and find new friends.