Man! I was having a really crappy time. Work was going slow and the bills were piling up. I hadn't met a decent girl in a while. Things just sucked. I was unmotivated and looking for a change. But what could I change? I was in a major slump mentally, socially and career wise. I was having trouble sleeping with all these ridiculous "small" things bothering me. My God! I was a self-pitying slap dick just wallowing in my own crap! Then my phone rang, not once but twice. After those two conversations, I realized that my "small" problems didn't amount to much compared to what things could be.

Before I get into the new advice offered, I want to address a few things around Kansas City that I have notice in the last year. I guess I am a little sentimental because I have a birthday coming up. Now don't get anything I write about to be wrong or to bash, what I am going to say are just observations.

1. I fucking love the KC bar scene. Whether it be Mosaic, The Cashew, The Peanut, Gran Falloon, Brooksider, Blonde, O'Dowd's, Reverse, McFadden's, Red Front, Charlie Hooper's, Harpo's (Tuesday only), Harry's, Crosstown Station, Angel's Rock Bar, Tomfooleries, Sol Cantina or 180, people in Kansas City DRINK! Maybe this is just a Midwest phenomenon but guys and girls here love to go out and get completely shit-housed. I had some friends visit me from the West Coast and stayed for about a week with me. Each one of them voted Kansas City, hands down, the hardest partying city and vowed none of them could ever live here for sake of there liver and sleep. Maybe that is why KC gets voted worst place for singles in the US, people are too fucked up to make it to the bedroom. KC’s B.A.C. could possibly the highest in the country on average. I also notice how everyone in this town finds reasons to get hammered. Any holiday is fair game and also bank holidays and Royals home opener. Recently on Cinco De Mayo, which is a Mexican holiday, I noticed people getting trashed around lunchtime, sipping their margaritas and Corona’s while every Mexican I saw was working. Hmmm….that is like being Jewish and celebrating Christmas! I love some of the excuses my friends give me, "There is nothing else to do here but get wasted." Bullshit! Sunday morning's are not just for hugging toilets and sleeping until the afternoon. There is nothing worse than waiting for the gas station to open for a pack of cigarettes while the car pulling up next to you is a family heading to church. Excuses aside, I still love this scene. KC doesn't watch the clock like other cities. 24 hour partying!

So after this segue; lets get into the advice from yours truly. I feel like the weather has finally turned and summer is upon us. Most of you will head out on some kind of vacation to a beach or lake in te summer months, so here are a few words of wisdom:

Well ladies and gentlemen, below you will find some exciting and possibly creative ways to get yourself past that line at Angels Rock Bar. Most of this advice relates to men but women seem to find my thoughts and ideas funny (to some extent). Take some of it or leave the rest or just use what you think may work. Anyway, stay tuned for more advice on the methods of picking up women. And, oh yeah, ladies....watch out for guys like this or to those ladies who have fell victim...well...you prbably have my number. Entering the Bar a. To Stand In Line Or Not To Stand In Line: When arriving at the bar, check and make sure the line is not too long. Standing outside a bar when you want to be inside just plain sucks. Plus, if you end up standing outside waiting and your friends are inside boozing, then you look like a huge retard. The worst is when your friends come out and try and get you in but to no avail, but end up creating a scene at the front of the line. This makes you look ridiculous, it makes the wait longer and if any chicks saw it, you might as well turn around and find a new place because chicks don’t want to hang with a guy who can’t even get past a line. b. How Long to Wait: As before mentioned, waiting outside of a bar is not only humiliating but also aggravating. Try to remain calm and hang with your buddies laughing and joking around. NEVER stand there looking straight ahead being quiet and creepy. This makes you look very amateur and like a huge loser. Act like the line doesn’t bother you and you can have fun just standing there rocking it with your boys until game time. Also, if the wait is long, try what we call the “Switch Up”. Have some of your boys stay in line while you and another cruise over to different bar and get a beer. Then, rotate the scenario. Not only do you keep the party going but you also keep your buzz. There is nothing worse than getting stuck in a line when you feel good and by the time you get to the front “you’ve lost that druuuuuunken feeeeeeeeeling.” c. Knowing the Bouncers: Get to know the bouncers at the bar you most frequent. This way the above mentioned doesn’t even come into play. Skipping a line and cruising in with a fist bump and handshake is SUPER money and chicks will definitely notice the love when you cruise in without waiting. d. Tipping the Bouncer: NEVER DO IT. Unless you’re in environment outside of the normal bar scene such as a trendy club or lounge where you have-to-get-in-because-your-getting-laid-depends-on-it. And even then you’re off your mark because most girls at these places will not want you, but the rich, Ferrari driving 50-yr old with the pony tail who is throwing his gold card down at the bar. Women can smell suckers like that a mile away and most chicks in these clubs are there for one thing—gold digging! Why waste your hard earned flow? The recommendation is to close up shop and head for places that have more accessible chicks. Okay, okay, let’s say you HAVE to get in and so you need to grease the palms. Always pull the “Muerto Rico” move. Fold up a dollar bill in your palm—yes a 1-dollar-fucking-bill—and give the bouncer the sly handshake. If this is a decent club in the least, the guy is going to let you by and inconspicuously pocket that money without looking at it. By the time he realizes that he was dooped, you’ll be in the middle of that packed meat grinder dance floor and long out of the range of his hostility and embarrassment. e. The Scout: This maneuver is an excellent way to save money and time. When going to a club or bar with a cover, send one of your boys in solo first, hence “The Scout.” Have him check out the scene and return to let the rest of you know if the place is worth the price of admission. Buy “The Scout,” a drink at the next bar for his efforts. And if he takes more than five minutes—go in after him because he’s probably stalling you guys in order to get a head start on picking up the cute chicks. These excerpts come from my soon to famous book ...YOU'RE WELCOME by Johnny Surfboard and Ash Nightshade. It is available at BarnesandNoble.com, Amazon.com and also Rainy Day Books in Fairway.