As Turkey passed yesterday I found myself trying desperately to sleep off a belly full of high calorie foods and wondering about what I bring to the table. I’m not talking about the huevos rancheros (What? That counts as a Thanksgiving dish!) I brought as a side to my in-laws Thanksgiving breakfast. I talking about what perceptions or expectations I hold about the people around me. Of course, the people around me then were family but my turkey laden brain naturally drifted towards work.
      From my perch on the couch I watched lazily as a brother in-law marked up the face of another brother in-law who had the bad judgment to fall asleep. I quickly realized I needed to stay awake despite the soporific effects of turkey. Finding something engaging to ponder became the task of the moment as I watched the sleeping brother awaken in the middle of the marking up process. The cursing and sounds of a struggle worked better than a double shot of espresso at snapping me awake enough to ponder work’s many mysteries. 
     So what unconscious bundle of memories/experiences/expectations have I put on the coworkers in current or past jobs? This was the question I used to kick start my brain. Just what part do I play in work relationships? I know it is very easy to focus outwardly on everyone else and what they do, but looking within ourselves is more of an uphill battle. But changing what we do guarantees more lasting results, Unfortunately it also takes more work….
     I’m not saying the perceptions we have of our coworkers are completely wrong mind you. Far from it, our perceptions often have grains of truth to them. The extent of truth is where we end up stumbling into the arms of trouble. If you find yourself facing the same problems found in previous jobs it’s a dead giveaway that at least some of the trouble is due to projecting.
     Many clients wander into my office complaining about their coworkers (by the way: more people quit their jobs because of who they work with rather than what they do) after a little digging we often find out they have had similar reactions in past jobs. So what is the common denominator for these clients? The individual was the only constant so much of those reactions MUST have come from, in part, the client.
     A great example of this phenomenon is when two people fall in love. The courtship period in the beginning of a relationship is usually when transference is at a peak. Each partner systematically misperceives the other as a person who can fulfill all their desires and make them feel loved in a way they hadn’t before. In a healthy relationship this bloom gradually fades to be replaced by a more realistic view and understanding of the other person. This understanding builds the foundation for an enduring relationship. As it is in a courtship, the same cycle happens in work relationships… um, hopefully less intense though.
         An emotional rollercoaster is often the consequence of not being aware of how we contribute to work interactions. Take a look around at other workplace relationships and see what dynamics come into play from BOTH parties to form a common theme of interactions. Think back to how you approach certain people, what expectations you have of people, and your respect level. Deconstruct an interaction where the outcome wasn’t what you wanted it to be. What happened on the other person’s side and then how did you feed into, start, or maintain the negative interactions.
     After some introspection I found that I had some very unfounded ideas about a couple of past coworkers. It was too late to change any relationship patterns with them but I could also see how I was headed down the same track with one or two colleagues.        Of course while we are transferring our emotional baggage onto everyone else they are doing the same to us…..

- read more

 

5. Networking: 60% to 80% of successful job searches are through networking. Who you know    is often more important than what you know.
4. Volunteer/take on special projects: I should work harder to be the go-to-guy in whatever    situation I happen to be in. That means to work my tail off to find out what needs to be    done and make things happen.
3. Find a mentor: To clarify I DO have a mentor, well several mentors for parts of my    career but it would be nice to have an all around one stop shop.
2. Challenge myself: It has been a couple of weeks since I closed the lid on my last    workplace challenge, it’s time for a new one.
1. Staying current: I have several blogs and news sources for: counseling, psychology,    writing, winemaking (what it’s a real hobby!), and photography. But Higher Education,    the field I work in, is not a field I keep on top of as much as I would like.

- read more

     There are 3 different destructive coping styles. Destructive is a 1 trick pony, meaning the person that using a maladaptive coping style uses the same approach against themselves and others all the time. Even when unnecessary, these maladaptive coping mechanisms are thrown out into the ring. In other words, there is a lack of flexibility. Here they are in no particular order: 
                

• Clinging: These are the suck ups (or toadies), the submissive or compliant coworkers. They want to work on the bridge or a rift they see between themselves and everyone else. Whether there is a real rift or not, that is all they can/want to see. At the same time, they don’t see themselves as complacent or servile, but more caring and compassionate.

• Avoiding: These are the flies on the wall or the invisibles. Survival has meant running away from powerful emotions, uncomfortable situations, or conflict. Self sufficiency is the prize these individuals covet above all things because if they can do it, there isn’t a need for anyone else.

• Attacking: These are the people striving for control…. No, dominance might be a better word. They dominate or exert control over others outwardly, but in reality they are looking for more control over themselves. They believe they should come out on top of every situation, be it a friendly game of apples to apples or a pie eating contest. The thought of needing someone or help with anything produces anxiety or a wave of unwanted emotions in these individuals.

               
               
     The ‘birth’ or origin of these coping styles is largely a matter of debate among mental health professionals. Most can agree, usually without throwing punches, the manner in which someone deals with what life throws their way is formed in our early or formative childhood years. Messed up coping strategies generally stem from fundamental needs that went unmet. And when I say ‘fundamental needs’ I’m talking along the lines of love, acceptance, or security not a pony.  
               
     The funny thing is people often elicit, or make happen, the very thing they do not want. We can end up in a negative feedback loop where we actually block the experience and expression of a response we desire by using these messed up coping styles. For instance, the attacker wants to be close to people, but verbally slaps everyone. Then, the attacker feels hurt and unloved, so they attack everyone around them in an attempt to protect themselves from attack. Kinda loopy hunh?
               
     To confound this issue even further, people generally view their messed up coping style as unique or special. So instead of seeing the clinging coping style as a way to escape low self-esteem or anxiety, they have a tendency to see it as a virtuous way of relating to others that makes them feel special.
               
     As people read this I’m sure someone will attach onto one or another of these traits and freak out. But ,let me stress that these are to an EXTREME. These individuals always use one of these coping styles against others and themselves. No matter the situation or setting. We all (hopefully) use a combination of these techniques in our day to day working lives, when we utilize one only and against everyone but particularly ourselves then it is time to take a look into the mirror and reevaluate just what we are looking form people and how do we go about getting it. If these methods are the foundations of your self esteem then it is definitely time to reevaluate.
               
     If you spot these trends in other people the best thing to do for them is to help them see the incredible emotional price they pay for using their one coping method. True, that isn’t the easiest thing to transmit to another person over a cube wall because most people we are talking about here rarely let someone deep enough inside their defenses to make a change. But, time and pressure creates diamonds and if such a coworker is important to you, make the effort.

- read more

     “I made 6 figures but hated what I did, so I quit and started taking classes towards medical school. Did I do the right thing?” This was the first thing out of this woman’s mouth after she plopped down in a chair across from me. Her eyes were as big as a teacup Chihuahua and her fear was so intense I wondered if we’d need an extra chair at the table for it.

      I’m seeing an influx of people using the current economic tidy-bowl as a good excuse to explore other career options, or adopting a wait-and-see mentality towards the working world but planning on jumping ship when the world stops spinning. Some economists have compared this mentality to an ostrich with it’s head in the sand. I don’t see it that way at all.

     Investing in yourself is always worth it. Education enriches our lives but know when to say enough is enough. When to stop pushing towards the next brass ring and then the next brass ring and then the…. You get the picture. When is enough enough? How can we find the joy in what we do instead of looking for it over the next hill?

- read more

Or how to be a passive aggressive ninja!

5. Steal Stuff: you may not even mean to steal the stapler. But if you borrowed it and didn’t return it… well it’s stolen!

4. Comment on pictures or memorabilia: “WOW is that your dog? It’s ugly” substitute relationship other, ankle biters, cars,  house, whatever for dog. 

- read more

    A vicious cycle with us chewing our own tail. A mental/psychological recession is different from what is happening to the economy. It is an employee mindset that has grown out of people actually being, or just being afraid of getting, laid off. It is the mental point where worry and anxiety team up to slam workers into the ground. It means missing more work, spending less time working while at work, and in general, more time freaking out. If lets untreated these of symptoms become a self-fulfilling prophecy and worry about a layoff can turn into an actual lay off. Heavy stuff to contemplate.
    Stressing over what the economy will do can be worse for some than getting the axe. A low grade sustained anxiety instead of a sharp deep pain. During times like these, maintaining focus is pivotal. To complicate matters, when feeling this type of pressure most of us have trouble maintaining the very focus we would need to get out of such a vicious pressure/stress cycle.
    At one point in my life I wondered why someone would refuse to get off the tracks when they hear a train coming. It’s not as big of a mystery to me anymore. It is because that someone on the tracks is so freaked out about what happens if a train comes, they fail to actually hear the train coming. Workers that know they are in line to get laid off but refuse or fail to look for another job are usually the most stressed of the psychological recession stressors (try saying that 5 times fast!). Inaction breeds stress.
    To make a bad situation worse, many people jog around with their eyes closed. This type of vicious cycle feeds off misinformation and rumor. But many of us are afraid of the answers we might find if we go looking. The old: afraid-of-the-closet-monster-but-too-afraid-to-make-sure-it-doesn’t-exist dilemma we all faced in childhood. Analysis paralysis personified.
    Work-life balance is more important than ever when our economy is looking to rent space in a septic tank, but often more overlooked. Worrying about getting the axe leads to reduced performance which can lead to actually getting laid off. So step off the negative cycle, take some time off from the constant low hum that worry and freaking out can induce is priority #1. Or check into the reality of your company’s stability. A little truth can help smooth out fears, and if the fears are a reality? A truth injection at least can give a heads-up about looming changes. 
    Putting together your “short list” is a big step. It also has the benefit of being significantly less distasteful than facing a fear head on. Try making a (short)list of  activities/things in your life that make life worth living for YOU. Not the things that are important to your significant other or family but what is important to you. Family can be on your short list but be specific about what part they play in your stress relief.
    Checking and revising your short list is an important activity for continued mental wellbeing. Ask yourself; how many of the things on your short list are part of your day? Or week? Month maybe? Making time for your short list gives the opportunity for stress to bleed off productively, instead of coming out as worry and fear.
    If we are deliberate and aware, we can avoid much of the psychological recession and focus on just getting through the economic recession. Which is going to be enough of a challenge itself.

- read more

5. Learn about a company. Is this a place you could work? Actually working there can really answer that question.

- read more

     Sweating palms, nervous laughs, mind going blank in the middle of a conversation, and the dread of wet pits. What do they have in common? Well they all converge when talking in front of an audience.
     The number one fear in the US is public speaking. Fear of death is number three, so there are more people afraid of talking at their own funeral than being the guest of honor. It goes to show how universally loathed talking to a crowd really is.
     We’ve all been afraid to address a crowd at one point in our lives, and the people that haven’t ever felt worry or fear at the prospect of addressing a group of people are just plain crazy. People dip in and out of being self-conscious depending on individual circumstances, but what makes me sweat doesn’t necessarily make someone else break out in a cold sweat. But why? What purpose does this little evolutionary hiccup do for modern wo/man?
     In a word: Fear. Shyness is a form of fear, with an emphasis on interactions between people. Shrinks have been arguing over fear since the inception of the mental health field. To make a really really long story short fear is about defense.
     Fear arises from trying to protect ourselves against something. Whether it’s internal –like shyness often is- or external- jumping when a buddy pops over your cube and yells- the physical reactions are often pretty similar.
         “Fight or Flight” kicks in and our bodies are powered to bug out or open a beat down can to defend ourselves. That’s great if a saber-tooth tiger is after you, but not so great if one of those responses kicks in when your boss asks to talk to a client. So what to do?
                Open a woopin can on shyness: This incredibly detailed but easily digestible article gives some great points on it? But check these out:

1. Know your material: knowledge is power so learn way more about your subject matter than you think is necessary. Because people can have questions you better be ready for em.
2. Know who you are talking to: Know what your audience cares about and make sure you include something in there for them to increase buy-in.
3. Take a chill pill. Jog in place, eat some chocolate, deep breaths, or do something to lower your freakout level. My fav is DISCRETE isometrics.
4. What exactly is your point? Concentrate on WHAT you are saying instead of HOW you are saying it.
5. Have fun. Why not enjoy it? You are going to have to do it anyway, try to find a measure of enjoyment.
6. Reward yourself for a job well done!

     Oh, and the old standby of visualizing an audience naked doesn’t usually work. Unless, you don’t mind being the only person fully clothed in a room with a gaggle of nude people. Personally that thought makes me sweat a little. Regardless of that, consider what happens if you are seeing everyone as being naked and there’s a mirror behind the person interviewing you! (fast forward to the end of this video to see what I'm talking about)

  " /> ">

- read more

In short: Not a good idea. I get asked how to put together a video resume every so often, but it seems to be happening with a tad more frequency these days. Even worse is when someone actually brings in video resume for me to critique.

A video resume is a bad idea for several reasons, but the best reason to NOT have a video resume can be seen in an actual video resume called “Impossible is Nothing”. After watching this video, it is hopefully apparent why video resumes have never really taken off.

              
In case you didn’t watch the video, here is a list of reasons to avoid getting in front of a video camera for a resume:
    1.What if it sucks? I’m  not talking about just your acting ability, but what about the video quality or the sound? How about if the disk gets scratched or your voice suddenly goes squeaky?
    2.What are you saying on video that wouldn’t be better served in an actual interview?
    3.What if someone doesn’t like how you look?
    4.Is an employer really going to take 5 minutes to watch a video when they spend 15 to 30 seconds reviewing a resume? Not!

Need I say more? There are even spoofs. The Superbad and Arrested Development dude (Michael cera) has his own version.

- read more

     “Professional references only” is the key to references. I hope everyone has at least 3 people in their lives willing to lie for them. Most companies harbor the same suspicions. Also, an employer also wants to hear about how someone is at work, not with friends.

     Give a potential reference a way out when you pop the question about them being a reference for you. If you push someone into agreeing when they don’t feel up to the task, then you might get a mediocre referral. Or worse: a bad one. So “How would you feel about being a reference for me?” instead of “Can you give me a reference?” allows someone the option of bowing out gracefully.

     Help your reference out. Send them a copy of your resume and fill them in on some details they may have forgotten or never knew about you. So when a references check call comes in, the referrer has a cheat sheet. Also, let them know when there might be reference check call coming in, so it is less of a shock.

- read more