Hating on soccer haters

My (Morning) Rant ::

There are three kinds of people that hate on soccer: morons, idiots and douche bags.

And you'd be surprised how many of them there are.

Well, this weekend kicks off the European Championships from Austria and Switzerland. This is second to the World Cup in terms of importance and intrigue. (Quick plug, check out my preview of Group C over at the mothership. Also, click here for previews of the other groups.)

I realize that most people have their preconceived notions about soccer. Which is fine.

I'm not going to try and sell you on the beautiful game. If you don't wanna watch, some stupid blogger on the Internets isn't going to convince you.

But I can take down three of the "best" arguments against soccer.

1. It's boring.

Most people say this because there isn't a lot of scoring. Which is an acceptable point, except for the fact that there's not really a lot of scoring in baseball or most American football games either. This is doubly true if you root for the Chiefs. In fact, people who root for the Chiefs cannot complain about soccer ever again.

Think about it for a minute. If football kept score like futbol kept score, there'd be a ton of 2-1 or 4-2 games. And those are the most frequent scores in the top flight club level. (Except for the Italians, but I'll get to them in a minute.)

Part of the reason the game appears boring is there are no artificial breaks. I can't believe how much we as Americans have grown accustomed to commercials dictating the pacing of sports. We've been so corrupted that we can't handle anything else.

Which, if you think about it, is a really idiotic way to live.

I also find that this "it's boring" argument most often comes from baseball fans. And, I used to love baseball, but, I'm sorry, there is not a sport more boring and tedious than baseball.

2. It's a sport kids play so they don't get hurt

Common misconception: The game that 8 year olds play isn't soccer. It's called soccer and the same rules apply. But those kids are playing chase the ball for an hour and half and not get hurt.

This argument goes back to America's sense of isolationism and bravado. Calling it a child's game and associating it with participation trophies and orange slices is only part of that.

Americans don't want soccer because they think it was invented by some soft-spoken Euro trash dude that didn't want to get hurt playing a man's sport like football.

We like baseball cause we invented it. It's ours. It's part of our sometimes ridiculous national pride that ignores the possibility for diversity of opinion and sport.

I've got news for you. In this day and age, liking soccer won't make you a commie. True fact.

We also like baseball cause, at the youth level, it gives us competition.

Baseball at the little league level is intense and serious and kids get hurt. Mostly because of a worse kind of douche bag, the dad that makes his kid throw a curve ball. And there's a champion at the end of it all. Americans can get behind a champion.

Little kids soccer is an abomination against God and man because it gives out participation trophies.

Comparing the games kids play to the games adults play is like comparing the Royals to the Red Sox.

3. Players dive to make contact seem worse

Yes this does happen. Yes this does frustrate me to end.

Every sport will have players that bend the rules to get a better outcome. Steroids, pine tar, corked bats... that's just baseball.

It just so happens that the world of soccer is filled with Italians — who make diving into an art form worthy of Olympic judging.

But, how is that different than any other sport? Basketball? Did you watch Paul Pierce Thursday night? (I'm not saying Pierce is a drama queen, but I can't tell if he's being fouled or assassinated when he shoots a three.)

Or football? How many wide receivers sell the contact to get an interference call? One of them or all of them? (Except Hines Ward, who doesn't need too.)

I know I probably haven't convinced you to forgo your weekend plans and sit in front of the tube for a few hours of soccer.

But hopefully I've convinced you to stop making asinine arguments you really have thought through when complaining about the game.

(Oh, you can complain about people who worship MLS. And people who say: "Soccer is the sport of the future." Those people are real douche bags. Complain away.)

If you wanna watch, make sure you check out Portugal vs. Turkey today at 1:30 p.m. on ESPN Classic. Cristiano Ronaldo is the guy to watch for Portugal. He's the world's best player right now. You'll want to punch him in the face and marvel at his footwork all at once.

(You might want to skip the first game, Czech Republic vs. Switzerland, though. Both teams are shining examples of "boring" soccer.)