Today's Top 10: Vampire Movies That Don't Suck

Maybe you've heard: "Twilight" opens tomorrow. It's got vampires. It's got tweens all a twitter. So, of course, it's time to make fun of that.

Thursday's Top 10: Vampire Movies That Don't Suck ... you might want to grab a cup of coffee or print this out, it's a long one.

Here's just a small random sampling of the crappy vampire movies:

"Bordello of Blood," "Van Helsing," "Underworld," "Buffy the Vampire Slayer (movie)," "The Forsaken," "Queen of the Damned," "Son of Dracula," "Blade: Trinity," "John Carpenter's Vampires" and "Vamp."

So, why is this horror sub-genre so popular?

The other day, I was directed to a post on the New York Times Freakonomics blog about the correlation between social upheaval and zombie movies. Which is really pretty nifty. Check out the chart produced by io9.com.

While I was checking out that blog post, I came across a link to friend of the blog Eric Melin's essay about how zombies are social mirrors at scene-stealers.com. He makes a few excellent points, namely, the reason why zombie movies never seem to go out of fashion is that they represent humanity at it's worst.

Well, that got me thinking: If zombie movies are a metaphor for humanity at its worst (or best), then vampire movies are a metaphor for everything that humanity isn't.

Vampires are immortal. Me, you, that guy, grandma, we're all gonna die.

Vampires (most times) have the ability to alter perception/time/space. Blink your eyes and try to teleport to the bathroom. Or become an owl. You can't. They can.

Vampires represent latent sexuality. Next time you're at a bar, try showing up looking like Gary Oldman in "Bram Stoker's Dracula" and see what happens to you. You've gotta have the goods, the confidence and the sexual allure to pull that look off. We also are one of the few species that embrace monogamy. Vampires don't.

Vampires are cannibals. Most humans have the decency to only eat ignorant and language-challenged animals. (There's a line of thinking that a civilization eats the meat of animals they deem inferior beings, like turkeys, cattle, pigs and duck. What does that mean we are to vampires?)

There are, literally, dozens more metaphors they can represent: redemption, salvation, destruction, evil.

So, it's no surprise that films (and literature) have long featured vampires. In films, it stretches back to the silent era and encompasses more than 200 movies. (That's if you count "Gayracula," an all-male porno from 1983 and Mel Brook's 1995 spoof "Dracula: Dead and Loving It," which I don't but wikipedia does.)

Here are, in my opinion, the 10 best vampire movies. Of which, I'm fairly certain, tweeny-porn flick "Twilight" will never be.

For added perspective, I've included the average T-meter rating for each movie from rottentomatoes.com.*

*That's fancy speak for top critics. I've included the percentage after the director's name.

Close, but not quite: Interview with a Vampire (way, way, way overrated), Blade and Blacula (same movie, right?), Horror of Dracula (I love Christopher Lee, but this isn't quite worthy), The Monster Squad (cheesy), Vampire's Kiss (too much Nic Cage) and Salem's Lot (pretty awful in retrospect).

#10 Lost Boys (1987) Directed by Joel Schumacher | 77%

Is it cheesy? Yep. Is it kinda ridiculous in hindsight? Of course. But it somehow holds up after all these years — for both ironic and non-ironic reasons. The vampires are part of a super-elite teenage click that run a California town. Of course, it's up to the Coreys (Haim and Feldman) to stop it. And, if they can't, then no one can. This film plays on the metaphors of exclusion and immortality set within the construct of typical teenage relationships. Only, some of the teenagers involved here are just ageless creatures.

#9 Night Watch/Day Watch (2005/2007) Directed by Timur Bekmambetov | 58%/63%

Based of wildly-popular Russian novels, these two movies are the slickest movies that will make this list. Which is probably good, because they lack in the substance department and rely far too much on special effects. They're like the "Matrix" of vampire movies. Only, with a better director. The vampire-as-god metaphors run rampant here: Shape-shifting, super-human abilities, trying to reboot human history. It's all there.

#8 Near Dark (1987) Directed by Karthryn Bigelow | 93%

This is a genre mash-up, and a damn good one. It has the conventions of a western with the symbolism/trappings of a vampire movie. While not wildly popular, it has become a cult classic of sorts. It stars Adrian Pasdar (may know him as Nathan Petrelli on "Heroes"), Bill Paxton and Lance Henrickson. The metaphor in play here is the tension between the loyalty Caleb (Pasdar) has to the drifters who turn him versus the loyalty he has for his family who try to bring him back, and if Caleb can find salvation from the dark side.

#7 From Dusk 'Till Dawn (1996) Directed by Quentin Tarantino | 63%

This is as divisive as any movie on this list. Some people hate it. Some people love it. I fall into the later category. Don't care that it's two movies jammed into one. I think it makes what happens at the end unexpected. If all that fails to capture your imagination or convince you, then maybe this will: Salma Hayek as Santanico Pandemonium — the hottest vampire ever. This movie uses vampires as a metaphor for redemption, immorality and inhumane sexuality. And provides the context for the hero's redemption.

#6 Fright Night (1985) Directed by Tom Holland | 93%

Many people forget this movie — it came up only twice in Ink's Top 25. Scariest. Movies. Ever. list. But it is a solid movie — critics love it, note the 93% rating, and fans loved it, making it one of the top box office earners in the summer of 1985. It's the classic story of a boy that sees something (his neighbors are vampires) but no one believes him. It gets plenty of bonus points for having Roddy McDowell. Obviously, this is the "Evil Next" door metaphor.

#5 Martin (1977) Directed by George Romero | 95%

George Romero's favorite movie isn't a zombie flick that ends with "... of the Dead." Nope, it's an unassumingly titled movie about a Pittsburgh kid with some complicated problems. Mainly, Martin (John Amplas) is a vampire who seduces and sedates women, then slits their wrists and drinks their blood. It's sarcastic, it's violent and it's also fairly frightening. The vampire, Martin, in this movie represents the hollow emptiness of unfulfilled desires. No matter how much he feeds, no matter the conquests, he's always left longing and empty. His addictions control him.

#4 The Last Man On Earth (1964) Directed by Ubaldo Ragona and Sidney Salkow | 75%

You've probably seen this movie. You've probably seen it very recently. Only, you saw the one with Will Smith. And it was called "I Am Legend." (Or, maybe you're a little older and remember Charlton Heston playing the lead in "Omega Man," which is also the same movie.) This version is the Vincent Price one. He is fantastic as a man desperate to find other survivors, while trying to keep his distance just in case they aren't who they say they are.

This flips the metaphor a bit, as the vampires don't really have many of the traits you'd expect. In reality, they are just the catalysts for the catastrophe that Price must overcome.

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Everything else from this point out is all based on the same source material, Bram Stoker's "Dracula." The book didn't invent the vampire, but it influenced how vampires have looked and acted.

#3 (tie) Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) Directed by Francis Ford Coppola | 81%

#3 (tie) Dracula (1931) Directed by Tod Browning | 95%

I wanted to pick between these two, but I really can't. Though, if I had to really split hairs between these two, I'd give the edge to the Bela Lugosi version, simply because it doesn't have Keanu Reeves. The Lugosi version -- based on a play based on the book -- set the standard for the look and feel of the film versions to follow. The fangs, the cape, sucking blood from the neck, sleeping in a coffin, repelled by garlic, etc. The story, which I'm sure you've heard before, revolves around the discovery of Dracula's desire and origins by a group of Englishmen, and their plot to kill him.

Coppola re-imagined the film in 1992 and cast Gary Oldman as Count Dracula (which, in the history of Gary Oldman's roles, is one of his finest), and it won three Academy Awards. The metaphors in this book/film are voluminous: immigration, isolation, fear of dying, the role of women in Victorian culture, fear of the unknown, fear of the occult, sexual liberation, and colonialism.

#2 Shadow of the Vampire (2000) Directed by E. Elias Merhige | 82%

#1 Nosferatu (1922) Directed by F.W. Murnau | 98%

These films, both of them genius, are inextricably linked, simply because "Shadow of the Vampire" is the imagined (maybe, maybe not) story behind "Nosferatu."

I'll start with "Nosferatu," a film that is haunting and original and, at times, breathtaking. It is an adaptation of Bram Stoker's work, though they couldn't get the rights, so everything had to be changed. Instead of vampires, they use nosferatu. Instead of Count Dracula, it's Court Orlok. Unlike the variations that followed (notably the ones portrayed by Lugosi, Oldman and Christopher Lee), this vampire is a disgusting, rodent-like living corpse. It turns the story into a dark, haunting dream sequence that will give you nightmares for a long time.

"Shadow" is one of the most genius scripts ever written and movies ever made. The story behind the making of "Nosferatu" was compelling already. The filmmakers were sued and the Stoker estate tried to have every print of the movie destroyed. (Didn't work.) In "Shadow," Merhige invents a world were "Nosferatu" director F.W. Murnau (played by John Malkovich) makes a deal with a real vampire (played by Willem Dafoe) to pretend he's method actor Max Schreck playing Count Orlok. Murnau convinces the rest of the cast that Schreck is the greatest method actor ever. They believe him. But, while the movie is being made on a remote island, Schreck starts to feed on the cast.

BTW: Memo to Hollywood ... THAT'S HOW YOU REMAKE A MOVIE. Don't just do a line for line remake or even a reimagining. Take a classic story, find something about that story that's amazing, and then construct an entirely new story based on the events of the previous story. It's not that hard. It can't be that hard.

(Could a flick about abstinent tween vampires ever hold a candle to that? Nope. But, when you bring up vampires in normal conversation, you're gonna hear more and read more about "Twilight." Sometimes, I really don't understand this world.)