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Charles Gooch

This is Artificial Tangent, a source of all things nerd and subversive. Mostly we'll talk movies, but music, television, The Highlander comic books and the collected works of Danielle Steel are all on the agenda.
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We sure are scared of aliens. And demons. And little girls coming out of a well.

 

Ink's 25 Scariest. Movies. Ever.

We all have movies that we remember being scared by. Some had sharks, some had serial killers. Some had Elizabeth Berkley. [shudders]

In honor of Halloween — my favorite holiday — I set out to find the scariest movies — also my favorite type — I could find.

I enlisted a few dozen Ink staffers, friends and frinks to help. They gave me their Top 10 scariest flicks with a little reasoning behind them. I compiled them, ran a complex algorithm and, voila, out popped this list.

We've been counting them down all month. Here's 25-21. Here's 20-16. Here's 15-11. Here's 10-6.

Without further adieu, here are the Top Five.

#5 Alien (1979) Directed by Ridley Scott

Horror in outer space isn't anything new. "2001: A Space Odyssey" is pretty terrifying at times. "Event Horizon" is damned scary. I hear the video game "Dead Space" will give you the creeps. "The Phantom Menace" still gives me nightmares.

But "Alien" is the most frightening of them all. It gets you at the gut level (the quick scare when you weren't expecting it) and it hits you at the brain stem level (trying to comprehend how devastatingly alone you are in outer space with an alien trying to kill you). One of the few movies (though there are two more on this list) that accomplishes that.

If you weren't terrified the first time the alien burst out of that dude's chest, then you aren't human. If you weren't terrified of the thought of being left alone on a ship with either Ian Holm, John Hurt or Tom Skerritt. Again, you ain't human. (Has to be the highest concentration of slightly creepy actors this side of "Deuces Wild.")

Scott's masterpiece of tension, isolation, horror and sci-fi goodness is one of the few movies that holds up absolutely almost 30 years later. Want to know why? Because the work of H.R. Giger has always been and always will be horrifying. His work not only inspired the mother alien ... he actually designed it. Though he had to tone down the sexuality a few times.

Unassailable fact: Tom Skerritt was the inspiration behind Magnum P.I.

Did you know: Giger's original prototype for the face-hugger spooked customs agents at LAX bad enough that writer Dan O'Bannon had go to the airport to explain they were for a horror movie.

#4 Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) Directed by Wes Craven

I will admit: This movie gave me nightmares. But, that was the point. Freddie Krueger (Robert Englund) is perhaps the most frightening creature in movie history (a close second is Anton Chigurh from "No Country for Old Men." The third? Kelly Clarkson in "From Justin to Kelly"). And this movie, the first one, is the best of the lot. (Seriously, they could've stopped at the logical sequel stopping point, Nightmare on Elm Street 34.)

What I like about this movie: It's kind of funny in hindsight. Sure it's got a few scares, some chills (the scene in the bathtub is especially ghastly). But the drama is ratcheted up to a level that's almost to a comic level. And the "origin" story for Freddie is laughable.

So, he's a child murderer who was killed by the parents of the children he murdered. Wait. That's not really funny. What is funny is the scene where Nancy's mother has the razor blades and hat that Freddie wore tucked away in a fireplace in her house! Seriously? Why the hell do you keep something like that? I tried watching this movie about two weeks ago, and I couldn't get past this part. Seriously?

Who knew? My money was on Heather Langenkamp being the huge star after this movie. Nobody thought anything about the guy ... what's his name? Johnny Depp?

Quote this: "I'm your boyfriend now, Nancy." Though, this probably only works if you know someone named Nancy who could take a joke.

#3 The Thing (1982) Directed by John Carpenter

This movie cropped up a few times (the cool kids, Trevan, Terrell and I, had it slotted at number 1 or 2), and, having watched it recently, I am pleased to say this holds up strikingly well. It's stark, isolated, confusing, frightening, horrifying and deeply disturbing at the end.

Or, everything you could ever possibly want out of a scary movie. (Friend of the blog Momar Van Der Camp liked it too. Read his take here.)

Kurt Russell and Keith David (among many others, including Wilford Brimley — two mentions in the blog for that man this week, hope he googles himself) are part of a team in Antarctica doing research. On an otherwise innocuous day, a helicopter carrying two Norwegians bursts into their camp guns a blazing as they chase a dog. Naturally, not really knowing what's going on and doing the logical thing, the U.S. research teams kills the Norwegians. (What did Norway ever really offer us anyway? Besides, uh, my family and her family?)

But, something ain't right about that dog. It acts like mine does after a thunderstorm has passed and she has to drop a dook. Looking straight ahead, complacent, sort of devoid of emotion.

Then it starts getting weird. There's a ... uh, well ... a thing inside of that dog. And it gets out. And it can replicate any living creature. So, the crew doesn't know who's been replicated and who is original. The confusion (cause, you don't know either if you're watching) and the sense of dread the men start to feel is only compounded by the absolutely frigid environment they inhabit. It's not long before they are attacking each other and reaching for the dynamite.

The special effects hold up (a little cheesy, but it was 1982!) and the scares are still scary.

Did you know: John Carpenter and Kurt Russell admit after these years that not even they know who was "infected."

An Unassailable Fact: Wilford Brimley, without the mustache, is just Will Brimley. And he's not as good of an actor.

#2 The Ring (2002) Directed by Gore Verbinski

How scary was this remake of the Japanese classic "Ringu"? I was rereading the plot description to refresh my memory, when I got to the part where Samara climbs out of the well, off the TV screen and into Noah's office, I got a little freaked out.

This is the movie that put us where we are at right now: With Hollywood optioning nearly every single movie that bares the phrase "A cult hit in Japan." Did we really need "Dark Water"? Are we really afraid of a water stain? I mean, for all of us that aren't superintendents of an apartment complex, that was a complete waste of time.

"The Ring" is a shocking scary movie that has the weird ability to resonate with a wide audience. Horror nerds seem to like it. Newbies that don't know "Evil Dead" from "Evil Dead 2" seem to like it.

I chalk it up to the idea that mass media can kill you. Samara is able to use the TV and the phone to implant visions in your nightmares.

And the ending. Mother of Zeus. I absolutely did not see that coming and nearly applauded. Too often, the ending is there to give you hope and let you know, subconsciously, that everything is going to be all right.

Not "The Ring."

I — and nearly every male I know — also would like to thank the movie's casting director for introducing us to Naomi Watts. Again. Thanks.

What about Daveigh? Daveigh Chase plays Samara. Did you also know she was Samantha Darko in "Donnie Darko." Or the creepy Mormon chick Rhonda in "Big Love"? I didn't.

The worst director in the Top 5: Verbinski, who went on to such great heights as "Pirates of the Caribbean," seems weirdly out of place alongside Friedkin, Carpenter, Scott and Craven.

#1 The Exorcist (1973) Directed by William Friedkin

This won in a landslide. Like Mondale getting crushed by Reagan landslide. Five people had it as the number 1 scariest movie. Several others had it at one or two.

And for good reason. It's pretty darned scary.

The twisting head scene. The vomit. The attacks on religious icons. The language. The little girl being the devil. Great cast (Linda Blair, Ellen Burstyn, Max von Sydow) and it holds up better than just about any movie made in the 70s — much less a horror movie. In case you don't believe me, here is a typical 70s movie that doesn't hold up (bonus: it stars LINDA BLAIR!). And a 70s horror movie that never held up.

But, here's the beauty of Democracy. You don't have to take my word for it on this movie. Here's a few quotes from the people who voted it number 1.

From Frink TG Design:

" 'The Exorcist' is the only movie I’ve had to pause to convince and the try and convince myself to keep watching. The performance by the whole cast is stellar and makes this movie seem very believable. Also the brutal attacks on religious icons and figures by the demon possessing Regan makes this movierisque even by today’s standards. I still get the chills when in the new uncut version Regan contorts herself to walk down the stairs like a spider. Very creepy. A classic and a must see for any horror fan."

From my friend and former co-worker Yvette:

"Still scary today. Decades later, I still have to close my eyes at the head-turning scene!"

And Frink Nick:

"This movie is just kind of horrifying and shocking. There are many great scenes. The green vomit and rotating head are now part of pop culture history. 'The Exorcist' also gave us the quote 'your mother sucks [roosters] in hell' and that ain’t bad. Probably the fact that a young girl was saying and doing all of these made it all the worse. Also, Satan does make for the best villain.

********

Five Horror Movies You May Not Have Seen ... But Should.

"Dead Alive" — Peter Jackson's horror movie is at times funny and at times it's a gore-fest. Especially when they use a lawnmower to attack a zombie. Did I mention it has one of the greatest lines ever? "I kick ass for the LORD!"

"Of Love and Death/Cemetery Man" — Rupert Everett plays Francesco Dellamorte, an Italian cemetery caretaker who has a strange job: Protecting the town from the dead who rise seven days after being interred. It's an existential debate about work, responsibility, loneliness, inactivity and, of course, love and death. It's really, really good.

"Slither" — It made almost nothing at the box office, but that's not necessarily a precursor to greatness. It's a weird movie that combines humor and horror like not many movies can. And it stars Nathan Fillion and Elizabeth Banks. Enough for you?

"The Devil's Backbone" — Did you like "Pan's Labyrinth"? Then, you'll love "The Devil's Backbone." It's like a Hitchcock movie with ghosts.

"Stuck" — This is so underground, I've not yet seen it. But, I know about it. I just keep forgetting to get it. A girl hits a guy, who gets stuck in her windshield. Rather than do anything about it, she leaves the man to die in her garage. This is based on a true story. This movie just got added to my Netflix list.

Don't Let Someone Trick You Into Watching...

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

Unless you plan on becoming a serial killer, this movie is probably a little too intense for you. It doesn't sugar coat the violence. And there's a lot of it. It was influenced by Henry Lee Lucas who claimed responsibility for 650 murders — a lot of which were proven to be exaggerations and lies.

What makes this movie creepy is how real it feels. Don't watch this. Don't watch "Begotten." Trust me. You'll live a better life.

You know, I Googled Wilford Brimley just for kicks. And found a Web site with 5 cats that look like him. And they do. Now that's scary.
Yes, democracy IS great, but editing is better.............."From Frink TG Design: " 'The Exorcist' is the only movie I’ve had to pause to convince and the try and convince myself to keep watching.".................sorry, what???
Okay, so I call bullshit on the rest of this list. The Ring is not scary at all. Ringu is scarier. As is the original version of the Eye. Or Ichi the Killer. The Ring sucks. Big time. Made me laugh at how ridiculous at was. And it's made even more ridiculous that readers put THAT above Alien and The Thing. What the hell? Second biggest travesty on this list besides putting Saw on here ANYWHERE. I think The Thing, then Alien, then the Exorcist. But I do agree with your you should sees (all of which are scarier than the Ring). All of which I've seen. I gotta say, Stuck is an effed up movie man. Best thing Mena Suvari has ever done. Nightmare on Elm Street is a take it or leave it movie. It's got its moments, but I am SO pissed about The Thing being 3 and Alien being 5.
I love, love, love Cemetery Man. One of my favorites. As for Henry - that movie has been sitting around in my B pile for some time now....you've managed to tempt me into it.
More horrifying: I think you have my copy of Happiness lying around in that B-pile. Talk about a scary movie.
I saw "Slither" last week and it's definitely a very quirky movie that is also highly quotable, especially Nathan Fillion's character. But, while the movie is great, the extras are hysterical. They devote a whole featurette to how much everyone on the crew hates Nathan Fillion and how much he loves saying "I'm Bill Pardee".

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