Scary movies: "They're Here" ... The Top 10 Begins

Finally, the best of the best. Well, except there's one movie here that ain't worth the time it took to write this post. Seriously, I'm livid about this movie being included.

The 25 Scariest. Movies. Ever. | 10-6

We all have movies that we remember being scared by. Some had sharks, some had serial killers. Some had Elizabeth Berkely. [shudders]

In honor of Halloween — my favorite holiday — I set out to find the scariest movies — also my favorite type — I could find.

I enlisted a few dozen Ink staffers, friends and frinks to help. They gave me their Top 10 scariest flicks with a little reasoning behind them. I compiled them, ran a complex algorithm and, voila, out popped this list.

I'll be counting them down all month long, along with a few arguments and movies that I think should've made the list but didn't. Enjoy. And, if you've got something to say about the list — good or bad — send me an email (drgooch41@gmail.com) or just post them in the comments.

Three weeks ago, I ran through 25-21, which included, in order, "Seven," Suspiria," "The Descent," "The Omen" and "The Evil Dead."

Two weeks, we made it through 20-16, which included, in order, "The Hills Have Eyes," "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," "Night of the Living Dead," "Silence of the Lambs" and "Jaws."

Last week, zombies dominated 15-11, which included, in order, "Friday the 13th," "Evil Dead II," "28 Days Later," "Dawn of the Dead" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Today, we move into the Top 10. Starting with...

10. Poltergeist (1982) Directed by Tobe Hooper (Written by Steven Spielberg)

Two things are creepy about this movie: First, the fact that actresses Dominique Dunne and Heather O'Rourke died in complicated and mysterious ways. (Dunne was strangled by her boyfriend and O'Rourke died of septic shock.) Second, it's held up remarkably well and is still creepy.

Don't take my word for it, though, take someone else's. From Momar Van Der Camp:

"Craig T. Nelson. Hair. Ghosts. Tobe Hooper. Great flick. One of the first movies I've ever watched, and I still love watching pretty much everything Craig T. Nelson does. COACH! But seriously, this movie scares the bejesus out of me. It's creepy. It's weird. It doesn't feel like it's aged at all. And the idea of ghosts never worked so well in movies without having to include comedy on top of it."

Absolutely unassailable fact: Craig T. Nelson killed a man once just to watch him die.

Quotable line: "They're here." Try this the next time your lady's parents come over. She won't appreciate it.

9. Event Horizon (1997) Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson

I will readily admit to enjoying and being frightened by this completely awful movie. There's just something so utterly creepy about the darkness of space and Jack Nosworthy trying to kill himself by ejecting himself into that darkness.

The plot is flimsy and kinda hacky. The crew of the Lewis and Clark (get it?) searches for the remains of another ship The Event Horizon (sci-terms: it's the area that surrounds a black hole, again, heady stuff) that was sent to explore the possibility of using a gravity drive to open a rift in the space-time continuum and allow for speedy travel between galaxies.

Here's the scary part, to me: When the crew of the Lewis and Clark find and reconstruct the video log of the Event Horizon. They see the crew start the gravity drive, and the next scenes show brief and chaotic glimpses of torture, cannibalism and mutiliation. Then the pilot, who has torn out his eyes, says in Latin, "Save yourself from hell."

The crew left the known universe through a black hole. Then, sodomy and canibalism.

Kinda like what I imagine happens at nearly every single Oakland Raiders game.

It was directed by a douchebag: Paul W.S. Anderson is an awful director. And it shows in this movie. I still find it scary. Though not nearly as scary as I find the people who greenlit "Alien vs. Predator."

8. The Shining (1980) Directed by Stanley Kubrick (Based on a Stephen King novel)

All you have to know about this movie is simple math.

Isolation + (Blood spilling out of an elevator + Kid who says "REDRUM") + scary dude going crazy x supernatural phenomena = Tremendously scary movie.

Classic movie. Classically scary. Probably one of the best made horror movies of all time. Although Stephen King didn't like it (but, his judgment when it comes to movies is suspect, at least, if you've seen the Steven Weber/Rebecca De Mornay version of this novel) I think it's the best King adaptation ever. Better than "The Stand" even.

Besides the normal scares (the blood, the ghosts, the insanity, the axe, Jack Nicholson, Shelly Duvall's eyes) I think this movie resonates because of how it deals with isolation. To me, nothing is more frightening than being isolated. The Torrances are cut off from society due to the snow storm and from reality due to the supernatural hauntings of the hotel.

Quotable line: "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

Memorable, utterly mind-blowingly beautiful scene: Jack chasing his wife and son into the hedge maze at the climax of the movie. It's just so stark, so mesmerzing. Just freaking brilliant.

7. Halloween (1978) Directed by John Carpenter

Should be much higher on this list. John Carpenter's minimalist and completely indepedent movie set the standard for slasher/suspense movies. It's also one of the finest cinematic depictions of tension.

Escaped mental patient Michael Myers (who wears a creepy, painted William Shatner mask) returns to his hometown and begins stalking babysitter Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis in her first feature role) and her friends. Strode, as well as Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasance) must stop him.

They try with knitting needles, clothes hangers, knives and guns. None of it matters. He just keeps on getting up.

The movie itself gets lost in history a little, I think, because it was followed by such dreadful sequels ("H20" anyone?). But the original was striking in its simplicity. It scares you simply because it feels real. Carpenter absolutely owns the foreground of this movie, forcing perspective and ratcheting up the tension just by simply placing Myers in the background, then once you notice him, hiding him again. You add the backstory into the mix, an eerie soundtrack and some pretty decent acting, and you've got a great movie.

Plus, Carpenter invented the archetypical bad-guy-who-can't-get-killed.

Did you know: The first screening of this movie was in Kansas City? Betcha didn't.

Historical insight: This is one of the highest grossing independent movies of all time. It cost under $350,000 and pocketed $47 million. It's also on the short list of most influential horror/suspense movies with "Night of the Living Dead" and "Psycho."

For the record, all three of those movies are far more terrifying and scary than the next movie on this list. Which, as you'll see in a second, I can't stand.

6. Saw (2004) Directed by James Wan

Good Lord. Allow me a second, before giving this movie a little write up, to list the movies that I find more interesting and scary than this: John Carpenter's The Thing, John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness, John Carpenter's Halloween, John Carpenter's In The Mouth of Madness, John Carpenter's The Fog, John Carpenter's Vampires, John Carpenter's Big Trouble in Little China... do I need to continue?

Cause I can move on to just George Romero movies that are better. Scarier. More interesting.

Ok. So why is this movie popular? Why did it make this list?

Well, for one, it uses complex puzzles and morality plays to underpin it's absolutely horrifying scenes of torture. As if pretending to be deep and profound can excuse a movie that has no real point. (They also paid Danny Glover $78 million and promised him a string of virgins for the rest of his life to appear in this movie. Sadly, I don't have "proof" of this transaction.)

There's also a lot of blood and a lot of really disturbing violence. Basically, torture. It's a torture porn movie.

Torture isn't really scary. Sure, you're going to wince a lot. But wincing ain't the same thing as being scared.

It also has a preposterous "gimmick" ending that I'm sure the writers and director thought was far more clever than it really was.

Wow, I liked this movie a lot less than I previously thought.

If you want to watch torture-porn, watch "Hostel." It's far better done and more gory. Or just watch some Takashi Miike.

But, I will give you this: It gave me nightmares. Not long after I watched this movie, I dreamt that I woke up in an industrial bathroom chained to a lead pipe. In the room with me was Shaquille O'Neal. He was also chained to a pipe. In order to escape, a tape I found in some brackish water told me that I had to kill Shaq to survive.

We made a deal instead. We'd escape using Shaq's brute strength and the saw that I, for some reason, had with me under my shirt. Once we were out, we conspired to kill Kobe Bryant.

And then went to Red Lobster for Shrimp-Fest.

I have weird dreams.

Absolutely unassailable fact: The directors of ths movie paid Cary Elwes in broken Fiesta Ware. He has a strange fetish for this.

Let's just stop this franchise: Unless the next "Saw" movie involves David Blaine and Criss Angel having to hack off their own limbs in order to escape from a dirty public bathroom so they can kill each other in a horrific and awful fashion ... then I want to have nothing to do with this series. "Saw 6: The Illusion of Death is REAL!"

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Man, that was a good movie... UNTIL THE END RUINED IT ALL!

In honor of the "Saw" franchises, I thought I'd take a look at the worst ending to a horror movie that I've ever seen. Though, "Saw" was pretty bad.

High Tension. I hate to ruin a movie for you, but I'm gonna. Most of the movie didn't really happen. That's an amazing twist: set up 45 minutes of a movie, reel in the audience, and then hit them with the ole one-of-these-girls-is-really-a-lesbian-who's-out-to-kill-everyone-invovlved-with-the-girl-she-loves-and-that-creepy-guy-everyone-thought-was-the-killer-was-really-just-her-though-we-couldn't-tell-cause-the-plot-and-camera-work-were-so-obtuse endings. Strong move Alexandre Aja. You suck for that.

Such utter garbage.

When it comes to disturbing, no one tops the Asians

Ok. So you like "Saw." You think it's pretty good and scary and gory and disgusting.

Have you ever seen "Audition"? Or "Ichi the Killer"? Or "Oldboy"? Or "A Tale of Two Sisters"? Or "Suicide Club"? If more of you had seen those movies (especially "Suicide Club"), I'm pretty sure "Saw" wouldn't have made this list.

Coming Next Thursday: The conclusion to Ink's Top 25 Scariest. Movies. Ever. Plus, three horror movies you may not have seen but absolutely should.