I'm guessing Nic Cage didn't get the Tropic Thunder memo...

... You never go full, um, well, it rhymes with smetard.

First, he's got this movie opening tomorrow, "Bangkok Dangerous." Which, well, that would be bad enough.

Second, he's talking about doing "Ghost Rider 2." I hated that movie with a passion usually reserved for Duke basketball players. Do we need a sequel to a movie that absolutely no one liked? Really?

Then I saw this: He thinks the new movie he just signed on to do (Mark Millar's "Kick-Ass") is too violent. He read the script and was all for it. Then he actually read the comics. Dolt.

If that ain't a sign of someone's lack of mental adroitness, then I don't know what is.

Before I sign off this evening and enjoy a little football (there's also rumor of some kind of speech this evening), I'll leave you with a link to the red-band trailer to "Zack and Miri Make a Porno." Some people can't forgive Kevin Smith for "Jersey Girl." Well, maybe you will after watching this.

Also, since I'm nothing if not a company man, tomorrow (and every Monday and Friday during football season) this blog will transform into football talk. So, if you're a fan of the NFL and a fantasy football freak, make sure to check it out. I'm sure we'll replace ESPN.com in your life within two weeks.

Okay, maybe not. But I promise that I'll be at least as funny and easier to contact than anyone at the World Wide Leader.

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Cinemasochism: "The Scorpion King 2: Rise of the Warrior"

I've never wanted to unremember anything more in my life than "Scorpion King 2."

More than the time my high school girlfriend dumped me for a guy named Kelly.

More than when I bit through my tongue pretending I was Jordan in an all-night basketball game and had to go to the hospital to get two stitches.

If I'm taking out memories, this movie is one of the first to go.

About five minutes into this movie, it was easy to see why master thespian Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock Anymore" Johnson avoided this sequel to a spin-off of "The Mummy" like it had been dipped in the plague.

I half-way enjoyed The Rock and the "Scorpion King 1." It was cheesy, but fun.

This isn't fun. This is like sitting through a root canal with Keith Richards as your dentist.

The plot is something along the lines of "Jason and the Argonauts" meets "300" and appears to have been written by a guy that once read "The Odyssey" in high school.

And I wish, oh do I wish, that I could have that surgery that Jim Carey undergoes in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."

I want the part of my brain that remembers what I'm about to tell you erased permanently. (Though that means I might actually watch the movie again because I'm sort of an idiot like that. Then I'd get the surgery again. Then I'd watch it again. And, at some point, I'm going to wake up to Mark Ruffalo and Kirsten Dunst having sex in my house.)

But I remember how the movie goes. It's kind of complex, so I'll simplify it for you.

Mathayus (Michael Copon, who was a Power Ranger) is the son of a great warrior.

That great warrior is killed by a thousand black scorpions.

Sargon (Couture) summoned those scorpions.

Sargon has dark powers.

Mathayus swears revenge.

Mathayus is cast out after his brother is killed — also by Sargon, who is an evil person. Kinda like Betty White.

In order to extract his revenge, Mathayus must fight a minotaur.

And a demon.

And visit the underworld.

Then fights Sargon.

The gets put into an arm-bar submission by Sargon that I'm sure existed in the pre-Roman days.

He then defeats Sargon via a bit of treachery and awful animation.

And the movie then leaves open the possibility for a sequel.

Everyone ends up happy.

Except me.

I'm miserable for suffering through this experiment. The third movie into this, and I already want to kill something.

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Cult or crap

Gratuitous nudity: None. Though scantily clad, there are no boobs.

Bloody mayhem or decapitations: Sadly, not as much as you'd think. Blood must be expensive.

Past-their-prime actor seeking a paycheck: Not really. Though Couture is definitely in this for the money.

Have we already seen this movie: Yes, literally dozens and dozens of times.

Cult or crap: Absolute and utter garbage. Worse than crap.