So you think you can riff?

Calling all Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans ... here's your chance to be heard.

Afternoon update: Just a quick link to an opportunity I think I'm going to have a hard time passing up. Michael Nelson and the folks at RiffTrax are offering you and me and your crack-addict cousin Timmy the chance to do your own MST3K-style riff. It's called iRiffs. Read more about it here.

And now, picking up where we left off this morning: Why I don't find Kim Kardashian appealing what so ever...

My (morning) Rant

Please. I'll beg you. I'll offer you prizes. I'll offer hush money. I'll even kill a puppy or an Olsen twin.

Do not, under any circumstances, under the influence of any substances, join me in seeing "Disaster Movie" starring Kim Kardashian, Carmen Electra and a bunch of young actors that don't know any better this weekend.

Please. I want the only money they make off this movie to be my $5. (I'll only see it as a matinee.)

Forget going.

Save yourself.

I'm already dead.

See, I have an excuse. I've embarked on a journey to watch the worst films of 2008. I've already seen "Speed Racer" and "Indiana Jones." (And I'll spend all September telling you about them so you can focus on only good things.)

You have no excuse. If you go, you're just a movie-goer with no discernible taste. Or maybe you're blind. Or maybe you're going just to have an empty theater in which to make some meth.

I'm a movie critic who finds sadistic pleasure in corroding my brain with trite and pointless movies. I'm also a guy whose last words will most likely be: "Hey, I'm going to go outside and see what's making that freight-train noise."

I'll post the trailer. You watch it. If you laugh at it, I'll give you a "Rocker" T-shirt. If you watch it and think to yourself that this movie is a good idea and can prove it to me, then I'll give you the money to go see this movie. (Though if it's the baby foot joke you laugh at, I'll also punch you in the throax. In fact, if I do give you the money, I'm also probably going to punch you in the thorax for good measure.)

Here it is.

There's just nothing there. Should be direct-to-DVD. A forget-it-and-move-on-there's-nothing-to-see-here flick. But this is a Lionsgate distributed film. This "film" is made by the guys who've had three major releases in the last few years. "Epic Movie," "Date Movie" and "Meet the Spartans." They are also responsible for the awful "Scary Movie" sequels.

Those films made money. (Not a lot of money, but they still keep making them. So there must be some money there, huh?)

Adam Carolla's "The Hammer" is 25 kajillion times more interesting and more funny than those movies. And we couldn't get "The Hammer" on a theater in KC. Good movies get no distribution. Awful movies get nationwide releases? Really?

The biggest problem I have with this movie: IT'S NOT A F&*$ING SPOOF MOVIE.

A spoof is a funny send up of a genre that involves jokes that make a mockery of that genre's lack of humor. Think "Airplane" or "Kentucky Fried Movie."

This movie should be called "Reference Movie." As in, we don't have anything funny, salient or pertinent to add to the conversation, so we'll just reference things that do. And then hope you laugh.

Iron Man. The Incredible Hulk. Hancock. Juno. Sex in the City. Enchanted. For a movie called "Disaster Movie," there are an awful lot of references to movies that aren't even freaking "disaster movies."

Say what you will about Family Guy, but at least what they do falls under the purview of satire. Or at least there's a joke involved. These "spoof" movies just show you something you know and then hit it in the head with a cow.

So, I wasn't all that surprised to see Kim Kardashian in this movie. (If you watch The Soup, you'll need no explanation. If you don't, she's famous for having a big ass and a sex tape. And it's not a good sex tape either. I've seen it. I'd rather watch Mini-Me's.)

I was even less surprised to see Carmen Electra in this movie. Who has gone far, far past the point of rescuing her dignity now. That whole Dave Narraro/Dennis Rodman thing was just tragic.

Somehow Kim has a hit TV show on E! — the station with only one redeemable commodity, The Soup — and has parlayed her "attractiveness" into a lucrative spot on "Dancing With the Stars" this upcoming season. Meaning, she's migrating out of her slot on E! where she's safe and buried and into the collective consciousness to destroy us all. (Bow before this fake, large-assed woman!)

Somehow Carmen still manages to trade on her sex appeal from about 10 years ago. (Full disclosure: Had a poster of her in a bikini on my wall in college. It's sad. I loved Slipknot and thought Carmen Electra was the tops. Good thing I drank heavily.)

Obviously, the two of them are the biggest draw of the movie. And, obviously, it would only make sense to have some sort of semi-naked cat fight. Because, who doesn't like a good cat fight?

I'll post the video of that cat fight now.

The real problem here is that neither Kim nor Carmen are real women. I did my due dilligence and watched it nearly 19 times. Though I should've done it with my pants on to be professional.

Regardless.

They aren't real women much the same way this movie isn't a real movie.

Kim and Carmen are female female impersonators. They use their curves, plastic surgery and gigantic, um, elbows, to trick people into finding them attractive.

And "Disaster Movie" is a movie pretending to be a movie. It uses familiar cultural benchmarks, a few boobs and cliched slapstick to trick people into finding it entertaining.

Both are cheating.

And both are undeserving of your time.

(Unless of course you're paid to write a blog about chicks and bad movies. Then this stuff is like Valhalla.)