Or, Kansas Jayhawk fans: What's one year of C.J. and Xavier Henry (and their crazy dad) worth to you? If it leads to a championship, you're fine. If it doesn't, then what do you do?

Here's the backstory:

Xavier is good. He was set to join his brother C.J. in Memphis. Memphis coach John Calipari takes the money and runs to Kentucky. The Henry boys take after mom and pops and head to Kansas. Papa Henry said his boys were thinking of maybe going to Europe after flirting with Kentucky a little bit. The boys work out in Oklahoma City instead of starting summer school.

If you hate on soccer, skip this post. I'm just warning you.

But if you love soccer, or the MLS, or the United States and keep hoping beyond hope like a little kid waiting for an Xbox under the Christmas tree that the next U.S. match will be the game that finally turns the tide and thrusts soccer into a major player in American sports ... this post's for you.

Typically, after a Wizards game, you'd be reading My Life in the Cauldron. Ain't happening today. The United States' defeat to the powerful Brazil yesterday in the Confederation's Cup after a valiant run to their first-ever FIFA finals happened. The Wizards lost to a Mexican team, Santos Laguna, in a tournament, SuperLiga, I can't explain in less than 1,000 words. And I've already got that ahead of you. Plus, I'm kinda depressed as a Wizards fan and am afraid I'll be deconstructive.  Instead, I'm stealing a style from a friend and fellow blogger Damon, and composing an open letter about the neurotic state of American soccer fans.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

First Ed McMahon. Then Farrah Fawcett. Then Michael Jackson. Now ... Billy Mays.

Please, someone make this stop. He was a hero to bearded men everywhere, a Pittsburgher of note and a friend of my wife's family. Also, he was the man that brought us hundreds of poducts that we didn't think we needed until he let us know how much we in fact did need them.

Say what you will about what became of Michael Jackson before he died (I know I've made a joke or two or twenty), but the man wrote and performed some pretty freaking amazing music. And also performed one of the greatest Super Bowl halftime shows EVER.

The man was legendary.

News of his death broke Twitter, turned CNN into dangerous narcissists and shocked an entire nation into no longer caring about Iran.*

I love the NBA draft. Not so much because I love the NBA (which I do) but because I enjoy watching 19-year-old's in finely-tailored cream-color suits with gaudy bow-ties. Or absurdly large men wearing bowler hats. Or red pin-stripe suits. Or anytime a guy comes out dressed like he's going to the prom or a wedding. Or whatever this is. Or when David Stern introduced the NBA world to actor Billy Crudup... er, Adam Morrison.

None of them top Karl Malone and his used car salesman get-up.

Now that was a miracle.

The United States just finished dusting off the world's No. 1 soccer team, Spain.

2-0.

Here are the things that I believe in right this minute...

Albert Pujols is the one of the few baseball players not doing steroids. It's him and Alberto Callaspo.

Zack Grienke ultimately can't win the Cy Young this year even though he should because the team around him is so awful that he might not get to 15 wins.

So... the award for most contrived controversy of 2009 officially goes to TLC and Jon and Kate Gosselin

And now... now... they are divorced. And why are they separated? Because of the media coverage that they, ahem, brought upon themselves. (At least that's what he said in the show that I absolutely didn't watch.) Pass the tissues to your left please.

But we shed no tears for the two media-whore parents who got divorced. Divorce happens. No, we shed tears for the unfortunate kids who had absolutely no say in picking their parents. Those kids never stood a chance.

Something miraculous happened yesterday. Miraculous but utterly meaningless, but sports miracles don't always have be filled with meaning.

The United States soccer team needed to beat Egypt (not an easy task) AND have Brazil beat reigning World Cup champion Italy (a more likely scenario, but not easy). The U.S. also needed to score three goals AND needed Brazil to win by 3 goals WITHOUT letting Italy score a single goal.

Even the most hyperbolic of commentators (two thumbs pointing back at this guy) will have a hard time drawing parallels to the 1980 men's hockey team. But this might have actually been more of a miracle than that game against the Russians in the Olympics. At least the hockey team was one of the top 6 teams in the world. (The U.S. team might be the 6th best team in the western hemisphere. Might.)

Good God does the summer TV lineup suck something awful. Reality shows that shouldn't exist. (How many dancing shows does our society really require?) Dramas on their last legs ("The Unusuals "). Made for TV movies with crappy special effects and Q-list stars ("Merlin"). Far too many shows that start with "The" — like "The Philanthropist," "The Listener," "The Cleaner," "The Closer" and "The Pedophile.*"

*I made that last one up. But I probably had you going right? You thought, "you know, Fox has sunk to some pretty putrid lows."

It's also the most meaningless stretch of sports all year. (Baseball is a series of seemingly-never ending meaningless stretches, but mid-June has to be the worst. And, while I enjoy the soccer, it makes me sick to my stomach to watch the U.S. national team choke on their own arrogance in the Confederations Cup. Plus, I'm getting really annoyed at the bee-hive sound that the crowd and their dastardly vuvuzelas are making.)