Ink

Dear Kiss & Tell: What goes through a guy's mind when his woman starts talking about marriage, when her friends start to marry off and she's like "Why aren't we married?"

Damon Says:

A lot of things are bound to swim through a guy's mind when his woman poses this question. It depends on the guy and his situation. See, there are some men who are ready to jump a broom as soon as they've snapped their graduation pictures. Others would rather nose dive into the Grand Canyon before they got down on bended knee.

Most of us fall somewhere between those two extremes. Again, it depends on where a man is in his life and what he thinks of his relationship. Personally, I'm not afraid of talking about marriage when the time is right and if there's potential for it, which there should be if you're in a committed relationship.

Trust me, though. The "All of my friends are getting married. Why aren't we married yet?" rant is a doomed way to start this discussion with most any man. How you mark your relationship's progress should have very little to do with what your friends are doing. Coming at a man this way will often make him question your relationship.

I took this query to a few Kansas City gentlemen from a few different walks to further justify my thoughts. I'm going to share a few of their responses. Note the differences in the answers.

• My initial reaction is flight. I can't speak for every man but making that long term commitment is scary even if you love your partner. I'm almost 30 and I still don't think I'm quite ready.
• I'd tell her she needed to develop independent thought and understand that people's lives follow different paths and at different times. If WE are meant to be together forever, it shouldn't take her being envious of her friends to move us toward that point.  I think its immature and reactionary to use the "all my friends are getting married" defense.  I hate to say it, but some women are more interested in the TITLE of wife/ being married (and showing off a ring) than they are in actually sacrificing, compromising and fulfilling the duties necessary to BE a wife in a successful marriage.
• I've been in two relationships where marriage started to be talked about, but this one's hard for me to answer because when it's come up, I've been enthusiastic about the possibility.  I think guys, in general, are much more apt to enjoy the status quo and not worry about "the next step" and I'm not sure why that is.  I look forward to kids, a house, etc. so much that I don't think I'll ever run into the "why aren't we married?" thing.
• I'm in a better place than I was two years ago, but marriage is still a scary prospect. I'm starting to realize that there are a lot of great days left, but a solid relationship with a good woman will make those days that much better. I'm lucky, though, that I have a woman that I trust and am sure is down for me. Most guys don't have that. Depending on who's asking the question, I get irritated because I don't want others working to plan my life. Luckily, I only hear it from loved ones.
• I assume my first thought would be "uh oh." If she and I haven't discussed marriage up until this point, it's probably because I've been avoiding the conversation. Guys tend to avoid titles and definitions, especially when it comes to defining a relationship, until they are sure they are sure. This is especially true for guys that have been previously hurt. But if confronted with the question, I would be up front and honest about my issues. If I am scared I'd say I'm scared. If she's not the one, I'd have to admit that I don't think she is the one. Whatever the case I'd be willing to discuss it.
• When my current girlfriend randomly asked me “When are you going to ask me to marry you?” last year, I reacted with a bit of panic. That’s not a question you just drop on a man out of nowhere. If I had to describe my feelings upon hearing that question, I’d say it was a blend of fear and uncertainty – but honestly, I felt flattered and optimistic too. It was nice to know she was – for lack of a better term – fully engaged in our relationship and had the desire to be in it for the long haul. It also helps that I know her very well - well enough to know she wouldn’t say something like that arbitrarily.

Damon Smith is a KC-based freelance writer and the creator of the open letter blog thismayconcernyou.com. Follow Damon on Twitter: @thismaycy.

Got a dating or relationship question for Damon and Pamela? Send e-mail to inkkcdating@gmail.com.