Ink

Music that's appropriate for this blog: Minor Threat's "I Don't Wanna Hear It."

Remember how your mother always told you, "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"?

Sorry mom, this ain't gonna be one of those times.

If I had one word to describe the Kansas City Wizards 2-0 loss to the Chicago Fire on Sunday, it would be "excruciating."

If I had several more -- and I do, this is a blog after all -- I'd say: While there may be a new coach in charge (and for the record, I did think that some of the passing and the general game plan appeared to be better), these are essentially the same players that haven't found the back of the net with any consistency since mid-June, during which watching the team play on TV or in person has been borderline offensive to my sporting sensibilities.*

*I of course mean this is the most respectful way possible.

This adventure and my blog My Life in the Cauldron began in the best of times -- as the Wizards were making an inspired push to make the Major League Soccer playoffs last year.

It's been almost exactly a year, but it feels like an eon.

We've got a new coach now. Peter Vermes is the interim gaffer since Curt Onalfo was shown the door after the 6-0 travesty against FC Dallas on August 1. We've scored one single solitary sodding goal against MLS competition in two months. (If you count the U.S. Open Cup and the SuperLiga, we've got 5 total goals in two months. But three of those came against the Minnesota Thunder, one of the worst teams in the USL, which is basically a AAA squad. BTW, we needed penalty kicks to dispatch them.)

And, worst of all, we've been outscored 8-0 in the month of August, are 5-7-6 and currently 9 points out of the last playoff spot. The only good news is that the New York Red Bulls are historically awful, meaning we are spared the worst of the assault from the national media types.

Like that matters. I'm tired of making and hearing excuses for this run. I'm tired of platitudes like "Well, it could've been worse."

Which is why we're going to play a little game today: LET'S MAKE AN EXCUSE.*

*I can't believe that this isn't already a game show on Fox.

The point? I pretend to be a journalist and ask you five questions about the Wizards. You must then pick the truth hidden amongst the excuses. Good luck.

Question 1: What's the number 1 reason the Wizards lost to the Chicago Fire by 2 goals?

a) The Fire are one of the best teams in the league and have an incredible 5-2-4 away record with a goal differential of +5.
b) New interim coach Peter Vermes only had 2 weeks of training to implement his tactics and philosophies.
c) Offensive spark plugs Claudio Lopez and Davy Arnaud were on the bench serving disciplinary suspensions.
d) Jimmy Conrad, captain and leader of the team, isn't fully recovered from the concussion that put him out for a month.

The correct answer, if you're scoring at home or if you're alone, is none of the above. This team is brutal.*

*This one was a trick question and not fair on my part to start that way. But, there are no excuses for that loss. Though, Vermes took a stab at it after the game.

From the Wizards press release:

“We have a lot to work on: fitness, when we have the ball what we want to do, and when we don’t have the ball what we want to do. It’s not all going to happen in ten days."

Um, hasn't the team had about five months to work on fitness? Maybe the problems are deeper than we thought.

Question 2: What's the real reason new man Zoltan was sent off in his first game as a Wizard?

a) Bad referee decision.
b) He was only doing his part to make sure the Wizards lead the MLS in red cards issued. They have 5 on the year, only 3 behind league-leaders Seattle.
c) The Chicago Fire player is a fully licensed and trained scuba diver.
d) The wet field made his tackle look far worse.

I want to say "b." He was elbowing and knocking people over with sometimes reckless abandon. Almost like he was trying to provoke a response from the ref. But the correct answer is "d."

Question 3: Why have the Wizards had trouble scoring the last two months? They've netted only 1 goal in MLS games since June 14. That number climbs to 5 if you include games in the U.S. Open Cup and the SuperLiga.

a) Josh Wolff refused to help an old Gypsy woman extend a home loan and the old woman put a curse on the entire team that wouldn't allow them to score.
b) Upper management mistakenly promised the team they'd get bonus money every time a shot hits the woodwork.
c) Claudio Lopez gets an extra $1k every time he successfully pulls a one-v-one trick.
d) We've yet to put together a strike force that compliments each other.

It seems like "b" is the right answer and, judging from just the games in June, you'd think is "c" is obvious. But it's "d" again.

Question 4: Why was the turnout at CommunityAmerica Ballpark (supposedly over 9,000 were in attendance) so lame on Sunday?

a) Kansas City has collectively lost their appetite to root for sputtering and anemic offenses.
b) The Royals were playing the all-important 117th game of the season at around the same time.
c) They hadn't seen "G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra" yet and thought a rainy Sunday would be a good time catch up a flick.
d) The threat of rain and severe thunderstorms scared off the Johnny Comelately's.

Aha! You thought it was going to be "d" again didn't you? No. It isn't. Thunderstorms in Kansas City can never be used as an excuse. They are as common as Tapout shirts at Santa-Cali-Gon days. The truth is actually a subconscious "a."

Final question: Why did I -- and many other fans -- leave the game early?

a) We wanted to beat that notoriously awful CAB traffic.
b) Zoltan's red card was so atrocious we left in protest.
c) I needed to get home and start the laundry because I knew it would take a few extra cycles in the washing machine to get the stink of shame and humiliation off my clothes.
d) The Wizards are one of the worst teams in the MLS. The second goal solidified that. The team can't score. The defense is prone to horrible lapses of form. The offense can't find a consistent shape. They can't win at home. Players like Michael Harrington and Chance Myers are not progressing like we all hoped. Two of the best players, Davy Arnaud and Jimmy Conrad, were out of action for a month due to call-ups. Bad officiating and a rash of red cards didn't help. It goes on and on. But the simple fact is that professional soccer is a results-league and the results the Wizards have gotten the past two months have sucked.

The correct answer is actually "a." Trying to get out of there after a Wizards game is harder than getting a refrigerator into a Prius.

[Cue pompous announcer's voice]

Thanks for playing LET'S MAKE AN EXCUSE! Remember, until the results on the pitch change, there are no winners in this game.

Warm Up the Leftovers

-- This is going to be lame, I'm warning you: You don't mess with the Zoltan! Not only did he have some badass orange boots, it appears that Zoltan is actually a bad ass. He took down the Fire goalie. Delivered a Scott Stevens-approved shoulder check on a hapless defender in the corner. Then got a red card for a tactical late foul. That's not all. He actually had a few clever flicks (including a picture perfect assist that Roger Espinoza couldn't bang home) and has a decent pace that should only get better with his familiarity with the league. Did I mention yet that I gained all of this information in under 20 minutes of actual game play? He's on an unreal one red card per game pace. (Unfortunately, he's going to miss this Saturday's game against San Jose due to his red.)

-- I'm worried about Jimmy Conrad, and I'm just going to leave it at that.

-- I found myself in the middle of the drum section and the Argies. Today, I feel like a roadie at a Slayer concert who forgot his earplugs.

-- This was a day of firsts. First time I've seen Kurt Morsink in the starting XI and the first time I saw Santiago Hirsig pushed out to the wing. Can't say that I enjoyed either all that much.

-- Not soccer related: Rent "Visioneers." It starts Zach Galifianakis and Judy Greer. It's a bit surreal. And not "Three Men and a Baby" surreal, but Charlie Kauffman dropping a tab of acid and reading Ray Bradbury and Don DeLillo while watching "Fight Club" surreal. "George, please don't explode."

--Not soccer related but blog related: This blog is back up after a three-week hiatus. We'll be updating less frequently than before, so expect sports/movies/whatever blogs to land on Monday and Thursday for a little while.