Ink

Toast. Finished. Kaput. Crapped out. Over. Terminated. Spent. Whatever cliche you can think of to describe finality. I prefer finally washed ashore from a sea of mediocrity.

It's been over for a long time — if you think about it, probably August — but Saturday was the final nail in the coffin on the Wizards playoffs hopes. Before kicking off against the Seattle Sounders at CommunityAmerica Ballpark Saturday night, the Wizards were already out of contention*, thanks to a victory by Toronto FC. The 3-2 loss they eventually suffered at the hands of the Neon Green Men from the Pacific Northwest was just like the frosting on a turd cake. It was also the third week in a row our opponent clinched a playoff spot against us.

*They cannot earn their way back in, unless somehow the entire squad for Chivas, Toronto, Seattle and New England came down with a mysterious outbreak of dysentery. But, I'm told it would be against the ethical code of The Kansas City Star and its subsidiaries to wish or perpetrate such a scheme.

Really, I don't even feel like recapping the game. There were five total goals including a really good one from Zoltan and two gimmes for the Sounders. You don't want to rehash this game. Trust me.

In fact, the most interesting thing that happened all game was the ruckus in the Cauldron. At some point, the section picked up the immortal words of Twisted Sister: "We're not gonna take it!"

There was only one issue, I have no idea what this chant was referring too.

Was it because of...

• The bad play on the field? Two of the three goals netted by Seattle were absolute gifts thanks to defensive mishaps. And they missed two absolute sitters. This could've been a bloodbath very easily.
• The poor season? I'll have more on this in a second.
• The abysmal crowd control? Wizards staff were kicking people out of the Cauldron like ... well, I don't even have an analogy for it really.*
• Freddie Montero's absolute insufferable-ness? Seriously, that guy goes down easier than a three-legged dog on a freshly mopped linoleum floor. Easily my least favorite player in the MLS.

*The reason for the ejections/ruckus? Some fans tossed streamers onto the field of play. And the Wizards reacted as if we were throwing lit bags of anthrax onto the pitch. Now, I'm not a huge fan of streamers (I handed the ones that came in my direction to a couple of kids sitting near me solely because I wanted to contribute to the delinquency of minors) and I think that they can be a hazard to the players on the pitch. So I can understand the Wizards staff wanting to halt that problem.


But here's the irony at the heart of this issue: THE WIZARDS HANDED THE STREAMERS OUT. Yeah, the front office gave the Cauldron leadership boxes of streamers to throw onto the field in accordance with MLS rules (only allowed before the game or after goals). And, when people used the streamers (some in accordance with the MLS rules, some not) the Wizards escorted some of the most fevered fans (even those in accordance with the MLS rules) from the game. Smooth. Regardless of who was at fault, it was handled poorly. It got so bad/frustrating that many people in the Cauldron (including the vocal leaders, drummers and your trusted columnist) up and left the section in protest. Some franchise-long fans left the stadium entirely. A security guard told us that he removed his people from the front because he didn't want to be responsible for pulling people out of the section like that.

There was even a chant of "We haven't got our season tickets yet," which was maybe a tad over the top. But, really, I can't say I blame them. (I haven't renewed mine yet.) Mike at downthebyline.com has a take on this too. We both watched the second half from the area behind the Cauldron.

I'll leave this little bit with one thought: It isn't about whether the fans, the guards or the Wizards staff are to blame. It's that this was handled poorly on EVERY account. And, if things don't improve, this complete communication fail between fans and organization could be a sticking point that might not go away very easily.

This is the part I don't wanna write about

I'm not the stat guy, that job belongs to Mike, but chew on some of this rancid-ness:

• The Wizards had a man advantage due to red cards in 9 games (including the Super Liga). They had 522 minutes (roughly, not accounting for stoppage time) on the pitch against 10 men. How many goals do you think they scored with this 1-man advantage? Nine. If you do the math, that's 1 goal every 58 minutes having an extra attacker. Makes you want to swear. Added bonus: Two of those 9 goals were own goals by New England players and one of them was a Claudio Lopez penalty kick.
• And what do you think their record was in those nine games? It was 4 wins, 2 losses and 3 ties. They actually LOST two games in which they had a man advantage! Oh, it actually gets worse.
• In the comfy confines of the CAB, the Wizards turned their home-field advantage (owing to unique field size, dimensions and weather conditions) into essentially nothing. They went 4-6-4 at home (with one more game this weekend). You should be better at home than you are on the road, yet their road record was NEARLY identical, 4-7-4.
• The Wizards committed 486 turnovers, 211 of which led to a scoring opportunity for their opponents.*

*These numbers are both complete and total guesses ... but you probably believed them for a split second, didn't ya?

• The Wizards never once reversed a deficit after the half. Sure, they managed to come back and tie three games in which they trailed at the half (2-2 at Chicago, 1-1 home against DC United and 1-1 at Houston) but never came out in the second half and won a game they were losing.
• They did manage to NOT lose a game in which they took a lead into halftime, going 6-0-2 when scoring first in the opening half. Of course, they only scored 11 goals all season in the first half (while allowing 17). And, if it weren't for the New England Revolution (against whom the Wiz netted FIVE of those first-half goals) the stats would be even worse.
• And, lastly, I'm sure you all know about the summertime blues. But did you realize that, from June 21-September 21, the Wiz went 3-8-5 in all competitions (with one of those ties being the U.S. Open Cup game they won on penalties) with a goal differential of MINUS 12! They didn't score a goal the entire month of August!

Finding an appropriate musical metaphor

I was trying to sum up my entire feelings by searching for a single song that would wrap it all up nicely and save me about 500 words of vitriol and contempt. I thought I'd explore my iPod and the catalog of Nine Inch Nails to achieve this.

The only problem? So many songs seem to fit and I can't choose between:

• "All That Could've Been"
• "The Persistence of Loss"
• "Every Day is Exactly the Same"
• "I Do Not Want This"
• "Into the Void"
• "Down in It"
• "Somewhat Damaged"
• "The Big Come Down"
• "The Wretched"
• "The Fragile"
• "Where is Everybody?"

You pick the one that you think fits and we'll call it a season, 'kay?

What Can Be Done?

Since this is my last go-round for the 2009 season and this column* and I'd like to be at least a little bit positive and solutions-oriented, let's take a look at five things the Wizards have to do before first kick in 2010.

*I have other obligations this Saturday.

Because, unlike the folks over at ESPN Soccernet who took the somewhat ominous step in their weekly power rankings to state, "Maybe it's time to blow up the Wizards," I'm not that down on this team. They have a solid foundation (Jimmy Conrad, Kevin Hartman, Josh Wolff and Davy Arnaud are amongst the best players at their positions in the MLS even though they are aging and on somewhat of a decline), they have promising youngsters (Roger Espinoza, Michael Harrington, Graham Zusi and Matt Besler showed signs of improvement while the jury is still out on Chance Myers), a few enigmas that need more time to adjust (Zoltan and Santiago Hirsig), a former star who's proven to be the only creative spark on the squad (Lopez) and a few workman-like players who plug gaps (Jack Jewsbury and Lance Watson). Is it an all-star studded lineup? No. But it's a workable foundation that needs some help.

Here are five ideas on how to fix things this off-season.

1. For the love of everything that is holy in this world draft/trade/sign/find a creative central midfielder. It ain't Hirsig (who's more of a hard-man than he is a creator) and it sure as hell ain't Jewsbury. Lopez and Arnaud are better down the wings (which isn't really true, as Davy is better off at top with a big man, but with Wolff in town, Davy's a right mid). Zusi has promise, perhaps. But I think the splash they need to make to separate them from the back of the MLS pack is to find a guy for the middle who can provide a creative spark and distribute the ball in an even (read: not wildly flicked at horrible angles from the wings ahem Michael Harrington ahem) fashion.

Unfortunately, there are only two American-born players that fit that bill, Freddy Adu and Benny Feilhaber. So... you might have to search for a guy in Mexico (like Chicago did with Blanco) or Argentina (using the team's built-in ties with Lopez/Hirsig). Maybe Peter Vermes can use his Hungarian connections to bring over another guy like Zoltan to fit this bill. I'm not a scout and I don't follow college soccer closely enough to know if any collegiate players fit that bill either. But this must be priority No. 1 on the player side of things.

2. Settle the head coach situation. Is interim coach/technical director Peter Vermes the answer at head coach? Sure the team seemed to improve under him (the record doesn't bear that out, seeing as they were 3-6-2, but they did actually score goals), but is he really the head coach? This is where it gets tricky. Among the top candidates (IMHO) are Preki (currently the Chivas USA coach), Paul Mariner (out of the running, as the former No. 2 guy in New England went to England to coach his old club, Plymouth) and Dennis Hamlet (currently the Chicago Fire coach, but possibly on a banana peel). Each guy would require something to happen before we could even talk to them. And in the case of Mariner, we just missed the boat.

I also tend to agree with my colleague and Reading fan, Matt Schofield, that any team looking for a coach should call Manchester United legend and former Reading boss Steve Coppell. (Unlike other foreign managers in the MLS, he wouldn't have a terribly difficult time sifting through some of the arcane rules. He's also living in America these days.)

Regardless, settle this position before the SuperDraft and signing period starts so the coach can have a say in the acquisitions.

3. Get us the hell out of the CAB! I know that folks at OnGoal are still hammering out details with the state of Kansas about the proposed stadium at Village West... but we should stop short of nothing less than outright bribery to get this deal done. (OK, maybe just short of bribery.)) I no longer care if the stadium moves back to Bannister Mall!* Just get us out of the CAB. Give us hope! Gives us FREEDOM!

*OK, that's a lie.

4. Sign Kei Kamara to a long-term deal. Of course, he's not worthy of designated-player money, but Kamara is a bright spot along our front-line attackers. Josh Wolff is a scrappy guy who scores scrappy goals. It appears that Adam Cristman is made out of glass and we still don't know a whole lot about Zoltan's total game (he's only started once). But Kamara gives the team a guy who can dribble at players, beat defenders in the air and celebrate a goal like it's nobody's business.

5. Find a long-term backup for Kevin Hartman. Kev has played every minute of every league game the last five years (slight exaggeration) and isn't getting any younger. He's still a top-tier MLS goalie capable of putting the entire team on his back (as he did several times this year). But if he were to tweak a hamstring or suffer a concussion or anything else, our team is putting a lot of faith in two developmental players, Boris Pardo and Eric Kronberg. (Kronberg was on injured reserve the entire year.)

Bonus kinda-far-out-there idea: Shop Josh Wolff and Davy Arnaud.* They are probably our two most "trade-worthy" assets and both are at their highest value. Wolff scored 11 goals this year (by far his highest total in his MLS career) and Arnaud got a Gold Cup call-up. Plus, I think they play a similar role. One of the reasons Arnaud has struggled this year, I think, is that he's more suited to the job Wolff has: which is poaching goals and playing off the other attacker.

*This idea becomes null and void if Lopez doesn't re-sign with the Wiz. If he walks, Arnaud has to stay in KC.

If we don't get change, it might not matter if the new stadium is on the horizon. How long can you not take it anymore?

My Life in the Cauldron is a collection of thoughts, ideas and ramblings about my adventures among the most fevered and passionate soccer fans in all of Kansas City.