Ink

Dear Kiss & Tell: What is an acceptable number of sexual encounters, and why does it differ between men and women?

Damon says: The first part of the question is tough to answer because it’s a “different strokes for different folks” query.

See, a few guys out there are still holding out hope they’ll find choir-girl-like virgins whom they can wife. There are also gents who want women with bedroom skill sets similar to Jenna Jameson. But few men want women to have Jenna’s well-chronicled mileage. Similar extremes can be drawn for women.

It’s a point of personal preference. Thus, I have no clue about what’s acceptable. It varies. One of my friends realized about two years ago she’d had sex with enough guys to have caught herpes a few times. She felt bad for about 2.5 seconds. Then she realized that her number means next to nothing because she’s never had an STD, nor does she have children.

Oddly enough, another female friend and I had the “what’s a good number?” conversation a few weeks back. Our results differed. We agreed that what we consider an acceptable count for the average 28-year-old guy is higher than it is for a 28-year-old gal.

The gap in what’s acceptable for opposite sexes deals with societal norms that have been around since, well, forever. Go back and reread The Scarlet Letter. It has some of the answers you’re searching out. Maybe it’s because male promiscuity is championed, and its counterpart is almost always viewed as a main thoroughfare to Maury Povich’s set of whoredom.

I’m not saying it’s right. But it is what it is: another double standard, one that’s not going anywhere anytime soon.

Pamela says: Only you can determine what’s acceptable. How many people can you look back on and say, “OK, I don’t regret that at all”? That’s your acceptable number.

I had one friend in college who said she wanted to be able to tell her children she could count her sexual partners on one hand. Um, your sexual history is none of your kids’ businesses. Set your number according to your own standards, knowing what you can live with.

Some people can have a one-night stand and never look back. Some people can’t, and one drunken liaison haunts them forever. Twenty might be the magic number for someone. Other people might prefer to limit their number to one.

I, like Damon, have a friend — a guy — who’s had a lot of sexual partners. But my friend has had some STDs. Treatable ones, but still. Does he regret some of those decisions? Probably. Sex can be dangerous. Safety is the No. 1 issue. Have fun, but realize what you’re doing.

As to why it differs between men and women, I’m with Damon. There’s a double standard. But if you want the averages, here’s what the sexperts say:

Males ages 30 to 44 report an average of six to eight female partners in their lifetimes, according to data from The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction.

Females ages 30 to 44 report an average of four male sexual partners in their lifetimes.

The site also said that 56 percent of American men and 30 percent of American women have had five or more sex partners.

So there you go. If you’re below average, you’re doing what’s right for you. If you’re above average and you’re cool with that, that’s all that matters.

Even if you regret how many people you’ve slept with, just keep living. With dating and sex, sometimes you learn the hard way what mistakes not to make twice.