In these tough economic times, sports franchises have to find money wherever they can.

And commercial advertising in the stadium and on TV is often the lifeblood of American sports. Advertisers want consumers, and they can’t find a more captive audience than sports fans. They won’t leave the stadium and they are unlikely to turn the TV off in the midst of a game.

But a soccer game poses an interesting problem: The clock never stops moving, ergo, no commercial breaks. So, most soccer clubs sell ad space on the players’ jerseys. Thankfully, we are spared the NASCAR approach of covering square inch of the car and drivers pitching candy bars, home-improvement stores and penis pills.

Kansas City’s Major League Soccer team is one of the few teams in the world (and one of four in the MLS) that doesn’t have a sponsor. I’ve watched the team as a season ticketholder this season and most of last, and I always have to ask: What KC companies would be the perfect sponsor — both for unintentional comedy and intentional awesomeness — for our soccer squad?

Well, that’s what I’m here for. And I’ve also sprinkled in a pitch or two for KC’s other local teams. Because, again, in these economic times, couldn’t everybody use a little help?

PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHARLES GOOCH

10. Gates Bar B. Q.

This would be one awesome thing: Gates concessions at the park. Win-win.

9. Schlitterbahn Vacation Village

The new water park with a funky name would be great, only because of the comedy of the name not fitting on the jersey.

8. Garmin

This one is strictly for the Chiefs, who, without Tony Gonzalez and a workable offensive line, might need all the help they can get finding the end zone. My second choice was Used Tire City, being that both deal in retreads. ZING!

7. The Jones pool

I’m going to let my new proposed Wizards “jersey” speak for itself.

6. Lamar’s

Doughnuts and baseball go hand in hand. Doughnuts look like zeroes. The Royals are often shut out this season. Seems like a perfect match to me.

5. The Kansas City Repertory Theatre

The best actors in all of sports are the soccer players who pretend they just got shot by a sniper in order to draw a penalty.

4. Cabela’s

This one requires a little bit more work in the jersey-design department, but I can just see the marketing tie-in now: “Mullets Get in Free Night.”

3. Aristocrat Motors

If you’re looking for the perfect match of audience and product, look no further than JoCo soccer moms and high-end luxury SUVs.

2. AMC Theatres

I don’t know how this technology will work, but this will revolutionize soccer: 3-D jerseys. Imagine Jimmy Conrad jumping out of your TV screen. Whoa.

1. Boulevard Brewing Co.

I dare you to come up with a better match than KC’s best local brew and the Wizards. It helps Boulevard and it looks really, really stellar on the jersey.