By now, I think we all know a few things about this coming holiday movie season.

• Gus Van Sant’s “Milk” will get the critics hot and bothered.

• David Fincher’s “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” will be awesome.

• And, while I’m still not sure what Tom Cruise and Bryan Singer’s “Valkyrie” will be like, I’m onboard with the return of Singer and writer Christopher McQuarrie (the guys who, btw, brought the world “The Usual Suspects”).

But there are still a bunch of movies that will completely suck. Here are seven you shouldn’t be excited about this holiday season.

1. “Four Christmases” (opens Wednesday)

Stars: Vince Vaughn, Reese Witherspoon, Jon Favreau.

Plot: A happily unmarried couple are unsuccessful in their attempts to avoid spending any time with their crazy families.

C’mon, really? Ensemble comedies based on canned scripts about mundane events that happen to amost every freaking person on Earth are never any good. Sorry.

Try this instead: Spend time with your real family, not the imagined family of Vaughn and Witherspoon.

2. “Australia” (opens Wednesday)

Stars: Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman

Plot: Come for the tale of Australia on the brink of World War II and stay for the lovingly crafted shots of Jackman posing for the cover of a trashy romance novel.

C’mon, really? Has Baz Luhrmann done a movie that is interesting and compelling? Anything? His movies are all far too long, far too stylized and ABSOLUTELY boring.

Try this instead: Buy a copy of Playgirl magazine, paint your living room red, put your fingers in your ears and spin around in a circle until you fall over. When you come to, look at the magazine. Same effect.

3. “Punisher: War Zone” (opens Dec. 5)

Stars: Ray Stevenson, Dominic West

Plot: One man (Frank Castle) wages war on a crime syndicate, exacting his revenge with an impressive arsenal.

C’mon, really? What about the 1989 Dolph Lundgren adaptation of this story didn’t work? We need another one of these? Didn’t Thomas Jane prove there wasn’t really an appetite for this comic book story?

Try this instead: Watch “Iron Man” for the 55th time. Realize that if not for “The Dark Knight,” “Iron Man” would’ve been the greatest comic book movie this year.

4. “Yes Man” (opens Dec. 19)

Stars: Jim Carrey, Zooey Deschanel

Plot: A guy who’s going nowhere takes a self-help seminar that teaches him to say yes — you can guess where that goes.

C’mon, really? How is this different from “Liar, Liar”? This is becoming the go-to movie format for Jim Carrey isn’t it? Should we be afraid? The answers: It isn’t, yes and oh hell yeah.

Try this instead: Make a large pot of coffee. When the machine stops, dump the entire pot over your head. Same effect.

5. “The Spirit” (opens Dec. 25)

Stars: Samuel L. Jackson, Scarlett Johansson, Eva Mendes, Gabriel Macht

Plot: A cop dies, mysteriously returns from the dead with vengeance on his mind and is surrounded by smoking hot chicks.

C’mon, really? Has “Sin City” creator Frank Miller lost it? Are we sure he isn’t suffering from some kind of rare disease that causes you to take on a task (remaking Will Eisner’s classic comic) you can’t possibly do well? Is that ego or stubbornness? Is it both?

Try this instead: Rewatch “Sin City” or reread The Dark Knight Returns and remember, wistfully, when Miller didn’t seem to suck.

6. “Marley and Me” (opens Dec. 25)

Stars: Owen Wilson, Jennifer Aniston

Plot: A neurotic dog changes a couple’s relationship.

C’mon, really? Are you one of those people who spend hours hanging out on dailypuppies.com? That’s the audience for this movie. And, if you’re the type of person who leaves comments on that site, stop. You’re embarrassing.

Try this instead: Go to the pound. Look at real dogs that need help. Maybe spend your money on one of them instead of wasting time at the theater or on the internetz.

7. “Bedtime Stories” (opens Dec. 25)

Stars: Adam Sandler, Guy Pearce, Keri Russell, Courteney Cox

Plot: A hotel handyman finds his life is changed after bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What? Sorry. Fell asleep for a sec.

C’mon, really? Adam Sandler stars as Skeeter Bronson? Skeeter? Ask yourself: When was the last time you enjoyed an Adam Sandler movie? I mean I haven’t enjoyed one since zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Try this instead: If you have kids, take a can of black spray paint to the television set. The old ostrich-sand thing. If you don’t have kids and want to see this, I hope a large concrete block falls on your foot.

The good movies

• “Milk” (Sean Penn, James Franco, Josh Brolin, Emile Hirsch) Dec. 12

• “Cadillac Records” (Emmanuelle Chriqui, Adrien Brody, Jeffrey Wright, Beyonce Knowles) Dec. 5

• “Gran Torino” (Clint Eastwood) limited release Dec. 17

• “The Wrestler” (Mickey Rourke, Marisa Tomei, Evan Rachel Wood) limited release Dec. 17

• “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” (Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett, Tilda Swinton) Dec. 25

• “Revolutionary Road” (Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet) limited release Dec. 26

• “Valkyrie” (Tom Cruise, Kenneth Branagh, Bill Nighy, Eddie Izzard) Dec. 26

Hey, I'm pretty sure Milk is released Dec. 5...

Posted 40 days ago by Shelly Storm