“Speed Racer” triggers questions that can’t be answered. Most importantly, “Why did they make this movie?”

Other questions that have no answer:

• How does Queens of the Stone Age come up such innovative and cool guitar riffs?
• Who thinks a beard tattoo is a good idea?
• What the hell was “Mulholland Drive” about?
• Why do people keep going to see Wayans brothers movies 10 years after they stopped being funny?
• And, more pertinent to this conversation, why do directors feel the need to shoehorn a plot into an otherwise brilliant visual masterpiece?

I’m not going to say “Speed Racer” is an awful movie — given its purpose and style, it really isn’t as bad as some critics claim. But I will rephrase my question: Why does “Speed Racer” have a plot at all?

From the get-go, the movie is an immersion into a realm of vibrant colors and dizzying digital effects. (Bring the Dramamine if you plan to watch this in IMAX.)

And, for the most part, it’s a fun movie.

Once you get your head around the fact that nothing car-wise in this flick is tangible, the cars are pretty darn cool.

The characters, who for the most part save this film, have enough believability that you can sort of latch on to them. (Except for the little kid. I have never wanted to watch a monkey attack a human more than I did during this movie.)

The movie chronicles the journey of a young Speed Racer as he chases down his brother Rex, literally and metaphorically. But the plot is hopelessly torpedoed by the film’s breakneck pace.

A movie with this kind of action, this kind of speed and this kind of assault-weapon direction doesn’t have time to tell a story. And it shouldn’t have to.

Every time the movie delves into a storytelling scene, it’s like someone shot out Speed’s Mach 5 tires with a bazooka.

The car careens out of control, and it takes a laborious amount of time to get it fixed.

There were times when I thought directors Andy and Larry Wachowski were onto something. Instead of the quick cuts now running rampant through Hollywood, they opted for a new filming gimmick of having heads pan across the screen. It was innovative and gave me something to focus on besides the dazzling graphics. Plus, it was really strange.

(To be super transparent, though I’m not a huge fan of the Wachowski brothers’ movies, I think they are visual geniuses.)

But whose fault is this? That’s simple. Another visual genius who mucks up directing: George Lucas.

I can already hear you groaning. But you know it’s true.

There may not be a special effects/visual artist better than Lucas, a genius who is responsible for the preeminent effects studio, Industrial Light and Magic, which coincidentally did the effects for “Speed Racer.”

Let’s face facts, “Star Wars” dweebs: Uwe Boll, the guy who blessed us with BloodRayne, might be a better director.

Lucas sucks the life out of a film by demanding robotic acting. He brings movies to a screeching halt by insisting on cheese over substance.Anyone else remember the Frankenstein scene in “Revenge of the Sith”?

His problem is lack of direction.

The Wachowskis seem to have the same problem.

They’ve taken a light-hearted cartoon about racing with sweet cars and awful effects and turned it into a plodding drama about brotherhood with sweeter cars and even sweeter effects. < /p>

If this were just a movie about cars going around a track — with bitchin’ loops and neon lights — this could have been monumental. I mean, as a country, we watch stock cars go around a track for five hours. And there’s no plot.

But — just as NASCAR appeals to certain people, me included — this movie will appeal to a large and varied group of people, 8-year-olds and college kids on mushrooms alike.

Most people in the middle will find it nauseating.

Click here to review "Speed Racer" for yourself and watch a trailer.

I challenge you sir. speed racer was super great fun time

Posted 4 days ago by flow

I was just thinking about beard tattoos the other day. Huzzy was prattling on about something, and my mind started to wander... and I ended up at beard tattoos. I think hair tattoos would be interesting too. I'd like to see a brave bald dood slap on the 'Charlie Brown Swirl'. Badasss.

Posted 4 days ago by Skrink